The Leading Role in These Loves Is Not Happiness, but Anxiety!

We all need love throughout our lives. Just as a child who receives love and attention grows up happily, when he becomes an adult, he may be aware that this need is met since childhood. The love we project is just as important as the love we need. Everyone can have a “love style”, but a love you don’t show will not reach its goal. At this point, together with the concept of love, “the position of people in a relationship” should not be ignored.

One of the most common problems we encounter in today’s relationships/marriages is “role confusion”.

“I want to be my wife/partner’s everything. & My everything is mine…”

When appropriate, I want to make him feel everything a lover can make him feel. When appropriate, I want to show him affection like his mother. I want to be his friend and be able to talk to him for hours when necessary. When appropriate, I want to be like his brother and take my place next to him. I want to be the first name that comes to your mind when you are sick, when you want to talk, when you want to have fun, when you are not feeling well. In short, I want to be his everything. To what extent do you think these sentences, which are suitable for many of you’s definition of romance, are possible in practice?

We have many roles in life. Along with these roles, we have complementary identities. We are all someone’s children, some of us are parents, some of us are lovers, some of us are brothers / sisters / brothers, some of us are best friends / confidants, some of us are workers, some of us are employers. We exist with our employee identity at the workplace, we treat our children with the identity of parents, our customer cover is on us when shopping at the market. It is possible to extend the list, but the real issue begins when all these complementary identities precede our spouse/lover identity.

Our relationships/marriages do not exist solely out of love and affection. It exists by combining many emotions. When the pieces that make up our identity, like puzzle pieces, come together, we establish the real dynamic. We can talk about many feelings and concepts in the whole relationship. Excitement, respect, tolerance, passion, desire, value etc. When the complementary identities I mentioned above precede the identity of spouse/lover, these concepts first fall into the shadows, and then gradually fade into oblivion. As a result, the dynamic of the relationship is directly shaken.

Of course, it is very valuable to be able to create different dynamics in marriages and relationships. However, when we encounter role confusion and its benefits in these dynamics, we begin to worry. It can be difficult to even communicate with our partner, with the anxiety created by realizing that we cannot feel the emotions that are the leading roles at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, we cannot expect happiness to be the leading role in a relationship surrounded by anxiety.

Do not make an effort to be everything to your spouse, your lover. While making an effort to be everything, do not neglect to reflect yourself, your own identity among your identities. Sustainable relationships that take care of the mutual well-being of individuals will only be possible if our complementary identities, in which our own identities are in the leading role, are limited as extras.

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Psk. Ebru Ceylan