Uzman Makaleleri

Always the Same Role - Madalyon Psikiyatri Merkezi

Always the Same Role

Our role in life begins the moment we are born. This first role, given to us by our mothers, fathers or very close relatives, sticks to us so much that we never leave that role as long as we live, even if the movies change or the scenarios are written differently. Then we call it “destiny”.

My childhood was spent in a very crowded environment. I say the past, because of course I don’t remember the days when I was newly born. I have a mother who loves joy from the heart. The day I was born, he hugged me, embraced me and embraced me so much that this world that I had never known could not frighten me. Then neighbors and friends stepped in. I’ve been from lap to lap. Each of them loved, caressed, kissed me. They organized a big birthday on the day I turned one year old. They dressed me in long blue dresses and put crowns on my head. They threw me into the air, and then they held me tight. Each of them taught something different, I tickled, I laughed a lot. That’s why it’s easy to love everything. I was always sure that I would be loved anyway, I looked at life with this confidence and this hope. The world did not scare me. I have been brave. I trusted life, and he trusted me. I have been able to do the most unlikely thing, think in the extreme, experience both pain and joy deeply.

This is how my life started, so I was able to continue like this. There is a famous saying, “Where the front wheel goes, so does the rear wheel”. We psychiatrists love this saying, and that’s why we ask everyone who comes to us what their parents are like, in other words, we want to know where the front wheel is headed. Because we know that the direction of the front wheel actually leads a person to the path of destiny. Our role in life awaits us on that road. This is such a role that even if the movies change or the scenarios are written differently, we never give up on our role, whatever we do, we find ourselves in that role again.

If a baby has opened his eyes to a world where he is not loved, cared for, and has no reliable owner, then he will have to work hard, be very sad and get tired later on to illuminate this dark world. It will not be easy to live with joy and peace, to be brave, to be successful and to enjoy this success in this world that is not ready to love, accept and embrace it quickly.

Luck is an important factor in life. Where, when and whose child we are born into is our most important luck or misfortune. Even children born to the same mother and father in the same environment do not have equal chances. Whether we are the first child, the last, a girl or a boy affects this situation a lot. The mood, financial situation, environmental conditions of the parents at that time, each of them are factors that affect this chance. A loving, caring mother is always the biggest chance. Whatever role we took in the first few years we were born, we often continue to play the same role tirelessly for the rest of our lives.

Most parents want children who are quiet, calm, don’t keep them busy all the time, play with their toys, don’t cry often, eat what’s put in front of them, sit at their mother’s knees wherever they go, study right after school, don’t ask too many questions, don’t spill, don’t talk. When these children grow up and become adults, they remain in this role. Most likely, they will finish school on time, find a suitable job, live and complete their lives as respectful to their superiors, in harmony with the environment, aware of their responsibilities to their family, who speak less, are content with what is available, cannot go further than being a chief in the place where they work, and do not want more. Great loves, great happiness, great projects, great achievements are not for these people. Their wives quickly get bored with such people. They are colorless, without excitement and enthusiasm. They have no passion for anything, they live their lives with a sense of duty, and they do not wonder about “the creator” or what he created. They always stand in the middle, vote for centrist parties, take no risks in anything, even drink coffee with cappuccino. Even if they can’t be the head of the house because they are very adaptable to life, if they have a job such as civil service, military service or academics, they can be successful here, they can become professors, generals or managers because of their strict adherence to rules, respect for everyone, and who do not like to mix with meat and milk.

There are children who are never adopted by their mothers. They climb to their mothers, to love me, take care of me, take care of me. The more she climbs, the more the mother pushes, the more the mother pushes, the more the child clings to the mother. These kids cry for everything. Life is foreign to them, scary and always full of dangers. In this dark world, they do not have a trusted owner to protect them. He can’t even start school, he always wants their mother with them, while the other children are running around, they stand aside and cry in horror. It is now certain what role life will give them. These people always feel lonely for the rest of their lives. Especially since they have a constant fear of abandonment in their love relationships, they make concessions to the other party, always become “more loving” and in the end what they fear comes to them and they are abandoned. In fact, their love is also a big lie, a lie they tell themselves. There is no serious love, but there is a serious fear of abandonment. From the moment they open their eyes to life, they repeat what they do most and cry again. Crying is an indispensable part of life for them. Then they say “destiny”, “I was always abandoned, no one loved me”. However, the person who does not love them, does not adopt them, and cannot establish the close and warm relationship they want, is not their lover. Perhaps their fate would not be like this if they did not have their prejudices and fears that they would not be loved, wanted or one day they would be abandoned.

These people, who are all interested in themselves and their bad fate, complain about everything, do not get along with the ruling parties and do not care much about whether the coffee is plain or sweet. They constantly fight and fight with their mother, whom they can never make them love, and they do not avoid any sacrifice for her, they even risk disrupting their own order, and they try to prove that they are the children who deserve to be loved the most. They always want to believe, but because of their rebellious feeling, they often quarrel with the “Creator” and blame their bad fate for everything that happens to them. The life they started crying ends up crying again.

There are also children who have suffered injustice from the day they were born and whose sense of justice has been damaged. Maybe their food is given on time, they are protected from the cold, dirt and rust, but they grow up without the love and priority they really need. They can never be the most important, the most loved, the most deserving of attention. When they are little, they engage in a great struggle with life. They go after the things they want but can’t win, they keep silent for this cause, they can’t even cry for this cause and they bury their anger very deep. When these children grow up, they will be fair, honest, tactful and tactful. They want to apply the justice that is not applied to them to the whole world, they pursue perfection in everything, they take the responsibilities of all their relatives like a robot, they give life to life without thinking about what life demands from them. When they say let’s be very logical, very realistic, life flows in front of them.

The anger that hides deep inside becomes a stone before it can find its true addressee. They are so afraid of their feelings that have turned into stone, when they try to hide it, all feelings gradually leave them. How happy they can be, how enthusiastic. They can neither be in love nor Mecnun. They have only one purpose; to control everything. If they could, they would control the whole world, they would like to see and know whether everything is done according to the rules. They sweep over and over again, checking the doors, windows, and water and gas taps, trying to convince themselves that everything is in order. Emotion, fear, delusion and obsession have almost become a hobby for such people, they cannot give up. As they are very meticulous about health, as in all matters, they even drink coffee plain, never act on their emotions, do not support any political party and are always in opposition. Because of their high sense of responsibility, they are successful in their jobs, they do justice to professions such as teaching, academic, doctor, judge, they become the sole judge of their home, but they cannot add something new to life, they cannot establish close relationships, they cannot truly love and be loved even though they are appreciated. They claim that they are right about everything, and they die rightly again.

There are many other roles, large and small, that are very different from each other and are distributed to each of us in life. These roles are determined by the relationships we have with our parents or with those who have taken their place and raised us. If we have become parents, it is now our turn to distribute roles.

If we don’t want life to take us on the road drawn by the front wheel, we should step away from ourselves and try to see what our role is in life first. If we want to change something, we must first know what to change.

Also, if we read this article carefully, even if we cannot change our own role, maybe we can change the fate of our children.

Perhaps some of you who read this article will ask: Is it that simple? Yes, dear readers, it’s that simple. In order to understand this simple thing, I have read many books that my colleagues have researched and written over the years, and I have scrutinized the lives of thousands of people. Then it came to my own life. That’s when I realized how important things that seemed to me to be very simple and detailed are, and I wanted to share this simple thing with you.

We all have the right to live this short time that we can survive to our heart’s content. Do we really use this right?

By the way, I drink my favorite coffee with sugar.

With all my love and respect.

Uzman Bilgisi

Merkez Başkanı, Psikiyatrist
  • Üniversite : Ankara Üniversitesi, Tıp Fakültesi
  • Uzmanlık : Hacettepe Üniversitesi, Tıp Fakültesi, Ruh Sağlığı ve Hastalıkları Anabilim Dalı, Psikiyatri Uzmanlık Eğitimi


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