Uzman Makaleleri

So Was It Time to Die? - Madalyon Psikiyatri Merkezi

So Was It Time to Die?

I always thought of our country as one big family. Not every country is a family, but our country has always been a big family since the establishment of the Republic of Turkey. Although the population of this family increased very rapidly, new brides and grooms entered the family, some of them were our own brothers, some felt like step-brothers, but even if we quarreled, fought or even resent each other once in a while, the breakup of the family always frightened us. For years, the apocalypse broke out in the family, the neighbors heard our voices, we were very angry with each other, but no one wanted the other to go. Even if we carve out the eyes of the other according to his place, we get bored if someone else looks sideways. He is my brother, whether I’m angry or love, we wanted to say what’s going on with you. Once upon a time, when we were saying that in a sieve, one of our family heads, that is, our fathers, left and another came. We almost adored our first father together. We wanted all our fathers to be like that. Let him love and respect each and every one of us individually, set an example for us everywhere, always hold his head high against other families, and protect our rights to the end. Let him do such things so that not only us, but also the neighbor will admire us. You are a girl according to her place, she should not make any concessions from her decisions, she should spoil the old order of the house, and replace it with a more beautiful, more modern, more contemporary one. May you always glorify us.

Contrary to the heads of families who have humiliated us for years, who have never been a father to us, despite sitting in the father’s seat, he opened his arms and embraced us. He said that even though your generation is not Turkish, your blood that you shed without hesitation to protect our family is now Turkish. Then, he told us once again that there is no self or stepmother inside us, saying, “How happy is the one who says I am a Turk”. He provided security and peace in our home. The sprouts of hope sprouted in the hearts of each of us. Our women, perhaps for the first time, felt that they were truly human. He told them to wash the dough in your hands while leaving the kitchen, let those hands hold a pen, go to the ballot box, vote, sign. The women of our family, our mothers, sisters, aunts and aunts, who had never even thought of such things until then, first became strange. What does our father say?

These women became judges, became doctors, teachers, inspectors, bankers, nurses and business women today. Then it was the turn of the house’s children and young people… He gave a separate holiday to each of them, he said that our youth, our children are important, they are the crown of our heads, give importance to them too, do not beat them, love, count them, make them men. If our father says, don’t we do it? Now, in our family, we are almost competing with each other to educate our children and young people.

We have always expected this beauty, this magnificence, this endless love and respect from our fathers who took his place after our father died. They said that now you will choose your father. We didn’t quite understand it at first. Who are we to choose our father? Then we never knew who to choose. Should we choose the taller, handsome, flamboyant one, or should we ask who it is? Was his education, culture, or weight more important to us? We did not know whether he would be a better father, who laughs more, who shouts more, who speaks more, who performs his ablutions and prayers. Finally, we learned how to listen to what this man is saying.

We listened, we listened, and we liked the one that promised us the most. Then we realized that our fathers forget these promises as soon as the election is over. Then we stopped listening. We are back again. We asked younger fathers again. What are we going to do now? A father is a father anyway, what does it mean to choose?

While some of them we call fathers took our place, some of them became fathers to our brothers and forgot about us. It was then that the brothers began to stir again. They’ve been asking me if I’m a stepmother. Before we became a family, some of those who wanted to sit in the father’s seat were beheaded. After we became a family, we hanged some of those who sat in the father’s seat and rotted some in prisons. Some of us said “oh well”. Don’t you get angry with your father? In fact, human nature is mostly angry at the father. But as the years passed, a feeling of guilt came over us. Oh God, we wished we hadn’t hung him. But we never forgot our first father. We got very angry when no one took his place. Are these also fathers, we said to ourselves. For a while, a mother sat in the father’s seat. If we say mother, it is not mother, if we say sister, it is not at all. We all looked together, who is this? We bragged for a while that she had beautiful hair, that she was beautiful, that she was dressed very elegantly, and that we would show off to the neighbors. No one but us understood that we were boasting. We asked again whether there would be a family without a father, we want a father.

We didn’t really like any of the father candidates. We did not call or ask what this man says, what he will do when he becomes a father, what kind of program he has, what will happen to us when we sit in that chair. Why should we call, because what he said and what he did did not match each other… Sometimes we said, “You poor man, they are getting his due”, we supported him at the ballot box, and sometimes we stood by him because we felt closer to ourselves. We liked the one that looked strong, if not the strongest one. As we weakened as a family, as we lost our self-confidence, as our fears and anxieties increased, we wanted to see the strong one in the father’s seat, whether he beat us or cursed us.

Every one who came hurt another part of us. We were hurt, offended, humiliated, and we were always angry and angry at all this. Again, quarrels and noises started within the family. We projected our anger on each other. We have become a family that cries if you touch it and squeaks when you touch it. Instead of those who put us in these situations, it was easier for us to get angry with each other. Our first father, who left us alone in this world, who left us in need of evil, and whom we can never forget, also got his share of this anger. So was it time to die?

Uzman Bilgisi

Dr. Gülseren BUDAYICIOĞLU
Merkez Başkanı, Psikiyatrist
  • Üniversite : Ankara Üniversitesi, Tıp Fakültesi
  • Uzmanlık : Hacettepe Üniversitesi, Tıp Fakültesi, Ruh Sağlığı ve Hastalıkları Anabilim Dalı, Psikiyatri Uzmanlık Eğitimi

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