Dr. Gulseren BUDAYICIOGLU

There are children who are not accepted, loved, and rejected by their mothers. They climb to their mothers, to love me, take care of me, take care of me. The more she climbs, the more the mother pushes, the more the mother pushes, the more the child clings to the mother.

These kids cry for everything. Life is foreign to them, scary and always full of dangers. In this dark world, they do not have a trusted owner to protect them. He can’t even start school, he always wants their mother with them, while the other children are running around, they stand aside and cry in horror.

It is now certain what role life will give them. These people always feel lonely for the rest of their lives. Especially since they have a constant fear of abandonment in their love relationships, they make concessions to the other party, always become “more loving” and in the end what they fear comes to them and they are abandoned.

In fact, their love is also a big lie, a lie they tell themselves. There is no serious love, but there is a serious fear of abandonment. From the moment they open their eyes to life, they repeat what they do most and cry again. Crying is an indispensable part of life for them. Then they say “destiny”, “I have always been abandoned, nobody loved me.” However, the person who does not love them, does not adopt them, and cannot establish the close and warm relationship they want is not their lover. Perhaps their fate would not be like this if they did not have their prejudices and fears that they would not be loved, wanted or one day they would be abandoned.

These people, who have all their attention directed towards themselves and their bad fate, complain about everything, do not get along with the ruling parties and do not care much about whether the coffee is plain or sweet. They even take the risk of disrupting their own order and try to prove that they are the children who deserve to be loved the most.

They always want to believe, but because of their rebellious feeling, they often quarrel with the Creator, blaming their bad fate for everything that happens to them.

The life they started crying ends with crying again. How much would change in their lives if they could see how their destinies were written and why they were always unhappy.

University exams have increasingly become the nightmare of both young people and parents in our country. Many people who put all their hopes into these exams go into a serious stress environment before and after the exam. They are right. So it’s not an unwarranted stress. Children flock to psychiatrists at exam time. They have hope, but they lack confidence. At the same time, parents also apply to us. They look for ways to be more helpful to their children.

Being a parent is a tough job. Good parents are always there for their children. On good days, on bad days. Again, good parents try to get to know their children. They know their personality structures, weaknesses, mental capacities, strengths, weaknesses, fears, hopes. They do not judge them immediately, they do not punish them, they do not end every word by giving advice. They understand that their children are different people from them, they try to understand what the children want instead of realizing their own hopes in them. Instead of constantly telling young people to “work”, they prefer to talk to them, and more often to listen. They know that the main thing is to accept them with their successes and failures, and they do not spare their love and compassion.

Every child who takes that exam wants to be successful. However, some are determined to succeed, some simply want and have neither the strength nor the motivation to do so. While you cannot remove some from the beginning of the lesson, you cannot seat others.

Not every student who works hard can pass the exam. It is not certain that those who do not work hard will not be successful. What a student learns in an hour, another student can learn in ten hours. Parents don’t know this. According to them, all children are smart, talented, the whole problem is not working hard enough.

Parents often want highly successful children who obey them, do whatever they say, don’t rebel, and are hardworking. They accept course success as life success… However, they are two different things. In order for people to be successful in life, they must first be social, sociable, talkative, secure, hopeful for the future, not running away from obstacles, not afraid to struggle with them, and who know how to cry or laugh when necessary, win or be defeated. The most important thing is that person’s hopes. Because people exist as long as they have hope.

Here, parents should not break these hopes in their children, on the contrary, they should raise them as much as possible. The whole life of the child, his future, should not be measured by his success in this exam. Especially considering the conditions of our country, parents know better than their children that this is not the case.

Millions of young people take this exam every year. Even a fifth of them cannot get into the university they want. Not all of them graduate. Many graduates cannot find a job they want. In other words, winning or failing this exam is not the end of everything. It would be beneficial for parents to know this fact. Because young people who do not know life well enough can fall into this mistake.

If we want our children to be more successful, happier and hopeful young people, we should always support them, show a smiling face and compassion, talk to them frequently, talk about different subjects and laugh with them, not only during exam periods. Laughing is the closest, highest quality and emotional form of relationship that can be established between two people. If a teenager can laugh at the same things as his parents, it means that there is a complete division between them.

The thing that disturbs our children the most and keeps them away from us is the advice and criticism given to them. Parents should not forget that they were uncomfortable with the same things in their youth and childhood. We can tell our children about our youth and childhood memories and share these memories with them. However, we should not set ourselves or others as an example to our children.

What we expect from our children also plays an important role in their development. Expectations that are too high to reach put them in trouble. It undermines their sense of trust. Conversely, belittlement, humiliation, and distrust of them have similar results. Such young people not only fail, they carry the unhappiness that comes with being defeated for a lifetime.

What kind of environment and what kind of parents a young person is brought up in leaves deep traces in their destiny. A person learns to love as he is loved, to count as he is counted, to beat as he is beaten, to break as he is broken. That is why we should treat our children as we would like them to be in the future. Let’s not wait for happy children to emerge from unhappy environments. Success, failure, happiness and unhappiness are feelings learned by trying at a young age. And in the future, we pursue the emotions we learn best from.

There are always reasons to be happy and reasons to be unhappy. The question is which one to call.

Studies by scientists say that mental problems and related problems can lead to serious diseases in the body after a while.

Examining the timing and course of certain diseases shows how connected we are to the people in our lives and how much we are affected by these relationships. The frictions, turmoil and disappointments experienced in these relationships can have visible negative effects on our bodies.

There is a system in our body that we call the immune system, and thanks to this system, our body protects us against various diseases. As soon as a microbe that can make us sick enters our body, this system first notices it and then follows and destroys it, just like our soldiers defending the homeland from enemies. If we didn’t have an immune system, the slightest infection could kill us.

According to recent research, our brain and immune system are in constant communication. If our mental state is good, if we are in good spirits, if we enjoy life, if we are at peace with ourselves and with life, the immune system is getting stronger. If we are constantly in conflict, if we do not give good meanings to life, if we are constantly sad about something, if we are abandoned, if we feel excluded and alone, then the immune system weakens and the risk of contracting a physical disease gradually increases.

While some of the people who carry the same bacteria in their bodies get fatal diseases because of this, the same bacteria does not cause disease in another group of people. The same goes for the tuberculosis microbe.

In Sweden, a number of recent studies show that the loss or separation of a loved one plays an important role in the development of diabetes. We can give similar examples for cardiovascular diseases that cause the most deaths in the world.

For all these reasons, we should pay more attention to our mental health, not take our problems lightly and seek solutions without delay.

I always thought of our country as one big family. Not every country is a family, but our country has always been a big family since the establishment of the Republic of Turkey. Although the population of this family increased very rapidly, new brides and grooms entered the family, some of them were our own brothers, some felt like step-brothers, but even if we quarreled, fought or even resent each other once in a while, the breakup of the family always frightened us. For years, the apocalypse broke out in the family, the neighbors heard our voices, we were very angry with each other, but no one wanted the other to go. Even if we carve out the eyes of the other according to his place, we get bored if someone else looks sideways. He is my brother, whether I’m angry or love, we wanted to say what’s going on with you. Once upon a time, when we were saying that in a sieve, one of our family heads, that is, our fathers, left and another came. We almost adored our first father together. We wanted all our fathers to be like that. Let him love and respect each and every one of us individually, set an example for us everywhere, always hold his head high against other families, and protect our rights to the end. Let him do such things so that not only us, but also the neighbor will admire us. You are a girl according to her place, she should not make any concessions from her decisions, she should spoil the old order of the house, and replace it with a more beautiful, more modern, more contemporary one. May you always glorify us.

Contrary to the heads of families who have humiliated us for years, who have never been a father to us, despite sitting in the father’s seat, he opened his arms and embraced us. He said that even though your generation is not Turkish, your blood that you shed without hesitation to protect our family is now Turkish. Then, he told us once again that there is no self or stepmother inside us, saying, “How happy is the one who says I am a Turk”. He provided security and peace in our home. The sprouts of hope sprouted in the hearts of each of us. Our women, perhaps for the first time, felt that they were truly human. He told them to wash the dough in your hands while leaving the kitchen, let those hands hold a pen, go to the ballot box, vote, sign. The women of our family, our mothers, sisters, aunts and aunts, who had never even thought of such things until then, first became strange. What does our father say?

These women became judges, became doctors, teachers, inspectors, bankers, nurses and business women today. Then it was the turn of the house’s children and young people… He gave a separate holiday to each of them, he said that our youth, our children are important, they are the crown of our heads, give importance to them too, do not beat them, love, count them, make them men. If our father says, don’t we do it? Now, in our family, we are almost competing with each other to educate our children and young people.

We have always expected this beauty, this magnificence, this endless love and respect from our fathers who took his place after our father died. They said that now you will choose your father. We didn’t quite understand it at first. Who are we to choose our father? Then we never knew who to choose. Should we choose the taller, handsome, flamboyant one, or should we ask who it is? Was his education, culture, or weight more important to us? We did not know whether he would be a better father, who laughs more, who shouts more, who speaks more, who performs his ablutions and prayers. Finally, we learned how to listen to what this man is saying.

We listened, we listened, and we liked the one that promised us the most. Then we realized that our fathers forget these promises as soon as the election is over. Then we stopped listening. We are back again. We asked younger fathers again. What are we going to do now? A father is a father anyway, what does it mean to choose?

While some of them we call fathers took our place, some of them became fathers to our brothers and forgot about us. It was then that the brothers began to stir again. They’ve been asking me if I’m a stepmother. Before we became a family, some of those who wanted to sit in the father’s seat were beheaded. After we became a family, we hanged some of those who sat in the father’s seat and rotted some in prisons. Some of us said “oh well”. Don’t you get angry with your father? In fact, human nature is mostly angry at the father. But as the years passed, a feeling of guilt came over us. Oh God, we wished we hadn’t hung him. But we never forgot our first father. We got very angry when no one took his place. Are these also fathers, we said to ourselves. For a while, a mother sat in the father’s seat. If we say mother, it is not mother, if we say sister, it is not at all. We all looked together, who is this? We bragged for a while that she had beautiful hair, that she was beautiful, that she was dressed very elegantly, and that we would show off to the neighbors. No one but us understood that we were boasting. We asked again whether there would be a family without a father, we want a father.

We didn’t really like any of the father candidates. We did not call or ask what this man says, what he will do when he becomes a father, what kind of program he has, what will happen to us when we sit in that chair. Why should we call, because what he said and what he did did not match each other… Sometimes we said, “You poor man, they are getting his due”, we supported him at the ballot box, and sometimes we stood by him because we felt closer to ourselves. We liked the one that looked strong, if not the strongest one. As we weakened as a family, as we lost our self-confidence, as our fears and anxieties increased, we wanted to see the strong one in the father’s seat, whether he beat us or cursed us.

Every one who came hurt another part of us. We were hurt, offended, humiliated, and we were always angry and angry at all this. Again, quarrels and noises started within the family. We projected our anger on each other. We have become a family that cries if you touch it and squeaks when you touch it. Instead of those who put us in these situations, it was easier for us to get angry with each other. Our first father, who left us alone in this world, who left us in need of evil, and whom we can never forget, also got his share of this anger. So was it time to die?

I’ve been a curious person for as long as I can remember. I was like that in my childhood. I will never forget the day I started school. My mother had tied white ribbons to my braided hair hanging from both sides. It was as if I was knocking on the door of the world that day with my black shiny apron, white collar and black patent leather shoes;

Click and click… I came to the world, I came… Open all you have, show me. I know you are very beautiful and you will show me many beautiful things. But hurry, because I want to see, know, learn, smell and feel them all as soon as possible.

Then those braids were cut, I still keep them. Like everything else, my braids are nothing like my current hair. They are very lively and bright. Time was plentiful then, spaces were spacious. Yesterday and today were not that different. People, things, buildings and nature stood still, the wheel slowly turning. There was no rush or rush. The winter never ends, the snow does not rise from the ground for months, spring is slowly coming. We all listened to the same songs, liked the same artists, and knew the names of government members by heart.

I met friends, teachers and books at school. First I learned to read, then to read anything worth reading. I learned history, geography, mathematics, later physics, chemistry, literature. My mother used to take the books from me with difficulty, saying, “Your eyes are going to deteriorate, that’s enough”. I said my mother was right, my eyes were broken from reading. I realized much later that there was such a thing as genetics, and that my mother’s astigmatism was directly passed on to me, even though I had never read it.

I got to know Atatürk first in history classes. On November 10, I cried while reading poems behind him. I loved him so much. Then I memorized the Ottoman Empire, the wars it waged, the treaties it signed line by line. I’m proud of our history, our past. I became an enemy to the countries that were hostile to us at that time. I couldn’t believe what happened while I was reading the First Age, the Middle Ages, the New Age, and the Modern Age. They never matched what we read in religion class. I couldn’t find Adam and Eve there. Especially physics, chemistry, biology lessons confused me.

Even what my grandmother told me and what our religion teacher told me did not match. I was afraid of demons, fairies, the dead. Maybe things would have been easier if I had managed not to ask questions, but I couldn’t. When he wanted to know the reason and why of everything, things got complicated. The real confusion happened when I tried to read the original from the Qur’an. I would either reject some things for good and rebel against everything like my other friends, or surrender without asking questions or wondering and just do what is expected of me. Both didn’t work for me.

By the way, I learned English. Since our teachers are English, I was surprised to get to know people of a different nationality than us. Whereas I thought people all over the world were just like us. But they dressed differently from us, approached things differently from us and thought differently. They take their work and us children very seriously, they always smell good and trust us. We could easily cheat and deceive them in their classes. We could not understand whether we were very smart or the people of this nation were very stupid. We knew they cared about us, but we couldn’t decide if they liked us or not. As if they were thinking and we were feeling. Although we spoke the same language with them now, but we could not share the same feelings.

I was one of the hardworking students of a famous school. I wanted to be successful in the future, but what would success mean? I wanted to be a good person, but how to be a good person? When I died, I wanted to go to heaven, not hell, but where did the road to heaven pass?

I entered the Faculty of Medicine. It was certain that I would now have a very good profession. So there was no death for me on land. I was a beautiful girl too! What else could I want? But even though I loved life, reading and learning, and my home was always warm and peaceful, my environment was unhappy and angry. My friends were talking about inequality and injustice. The whole country was divided into rightists and leftists, and ideologies were lived among the youth as the basic dimension of identity. The society was in a quest as if it wanted to crack a shell that was squeezing it, to get rid of it as soon as possible. Young people were killing each other, just like today, mothers were crying again. Although I was coming to a peaceful house in the evening, everyone around me was unhappy, complaining about their life, angry and restless.

Until the evening, I meet brand new people from many different backgrounds and listen to each of them with love, affection and curiosity. I ask myself what do they want from life? Oh, if they only knew what they wanted! In fact, they all want to be happy, but how? However, those who have no money are luckier in this regard, at least they have a hope that one day money will come out of the lottery, lottery or toto. Those who have money don’t have that either… Dreams begin with a house or a car. When we have them, our people start to look for other reasons for their unhappiness.

Some, like me, are obsessed with science, science, religion, mysticism, mysticism, some with politics, with politics. Some are afraid of the dark, some are afraid of the light. Some of them find the cure only by arrogance, and some of them are very angry because they cannot make peace with themselves in this world that does not accept or accept it. Some of them do not leave the mosque, they do not lose their rosary, they have already given up hope in this world.

There are also those who look for the remedy in famous brands. Does he who wears the most expensive bag think he is the best? In the past, large libraries were set up in the halls, and thick volumes of books that had never been read were lined up inside. People would try to show their intellectual level with these. The ugly pictures of famous painters took the place of books that are not read now. “I’m looking for a picture, not a frame,” says Ajda Pekkan. Those who buy pictures in these houses are not looking for pictures, but for signatures. Black and dry paintings, unrelated to each other, adorn the walls. Thus, we all understand how rich and art-savvy people are! Just like leveled draws…

After the Second World War, the Western World got sick together, it was first accepted that not only individuals but also societies could get sick, and the concept of “normal” was reconsidered. Although the word “normal” is out of circulation nowadays, we, as a society, have stepped out of line. We could not stand the pain, suffering, rapidly changing environmental conditions, innovations, changes and social turmoil for years. We always expected that this storm would end one day and the waves would calm down, but it did not happen.

“Depression”, which the World Health Organization defines as the most common disease in the world after heart diseases, infiltrated us unnoticed. The anger that has accumulated in our souls for years and that we could not express and express as we wanted, slowly changed the target in some of us and the weapon inside us turned to us, to ourselves. We have lost our place in the world, our orbit. We have become a sensitive society that likes to be offended. While we always thought we were judging others, we were actually judging ourselves without realizing it. The day we thought we were offended by the world, we were offended by ourselves. We did what we learned, probably because we weren’t rewarded as often at a younger age, but because we were more familiar with negative reactions. We worried that expressing love would be perceived as a weakness, a weakness. So we all dried up together.

While trying to perceive ourselves, our country and our past as different, important and superior, we also expected our people to make us feel that this is true. Our bloated selves became intertwined with our deep-seated feelings of worthlessness. The news we listened to on the television, sucked our energy like a baby sucks its mother’s breast.

I know people are looking for a way out. I know they are very lonely like me. They seem to have lost their way in the twilight. There were songs that said “money doesn’t make happiness”. We laughed then. Now, there are millions of lucky people in our country who can still laugh at this. Even if they don’t have money, if they still have hope, if they can drink fragrant tarhana soup together, in peace, how happy they are.

It is actually very difficult for a person to love and like himself because the beast inside us is insatiable. If we do three, he’ll want five more. Such is the nature of man, but if it were not so, we would all sit hand in hand. Nature probably knows these things better than any of us. So how can we poor people please ourselves?

First of all, let’s remind ourselves often that we are not bionic people and that we cannot overcome everything due to our nature. Let’s know our mistakes and shortcomings, but let’s tolerate ourselves. Let’s tolerate it without laziness. Actually, there is a lion inside all of us, that is, he is an ideal person we always wanted to be but could never be.

Unless we look like him, we despise ourselves. This is the grumpy lion that constantly bites, prods, and annoys us, only to stop bothering us for a while when we’re in love. Because love is so big that it even takes the place where the lion sleeps. The feeling you call love is disloyal, it consumes itself quickly. Moreover, if we are the ones who are abandoned, the lion appears again, a little more grown and wild.

That’s when it starts hitting again, to despise us more and more every day, to humiliate us.

What we have to do is to understand why we are so sad and devastated, to make a correct diagnosis and to start treatment as soon as possible. So we have to realize quickly that what upsets us so much is not just being abandoned, but being a little further away from our ideals. We don’t have a chance to catch the ideal person we dream of right away, but we should applaud every step we take in this regard and praise ourselves as much as we humiliate ourselves.

The way all this takes us must be to grow a little more, to develop and mature ourselves a little more. So, let’s roll up our sleeves and set out within the framework of the possibilities that life offers us. Everything we have now is very valuable on this road. If we are students, let’s push our limits in this regard, let’s get the best grades we can.

If we are working, let’s be the most popular employee. Let’s try to increase our knowledge and good manners in every subject. That’s when life will start to like us. When we like life, we start to like and love ourselves.

Let’s have realistic expectations of ourselves. Instead of saying amen to the prayer that will not happen, let’s set out with what we can do. As you master this job, you will see that it will be easier to love, to be loved and to succeed. Let’s listen to our inner voice from time to time.

Let us not forget that God entrusted us with sending us into this world. Let’s not betray the safety. Well, let’s take care of ourselves.

Dr. Gulseren Budayicioglu

Betrayal is perhaps one of the greatest pains that human beings can experience in the world. Even poets, in poems and songs, are angry if you compare separation and betrayal with death, and they say that betrayal always hurts a person even more than death.

Because in betrayal, there are infuriating and hurtful meanings such as being deceived, made a fool of, in fact not loved at all, or perhaps even used, disliked, humiliated, which hurts a lot. And it breaks at the thinnest point.

When these negative emotions, which are very challenging for human beings, come together, an unexpected anger emerges, sometimes even surprising the person himself.

Even if there is no real betrayal in some sick people, the slightest development or sensation that reminds the person of this is perceived as a real betrayal, and the brutal murders that we often read about in the newspapers are committed.

Some of these murders are committed at the time of the incident, that is, when the real betrayal is seen or learned. Maybe if the person who committed those murders could give himself some time to think through the incident, move on, take a deep breath and consider what options he had in such a situation, the fate of both himself and his relatives, such as his children, and of course, the person who cheated on him would change.

This change will be a positive change in any case, he will not spend the rest of his life in prisons, and his children will not be left without a mother and father.

For all these reasons, when a person learns that he has been cheated on, he should not act immediately, take sudden decisions, first take a deep breath and check once again whether he is mistaken, then not talk about it with anyone for at least 24 hours, get out of his bad mood for a bit. first of all, he should try to evaluate the event as objectively as possible with a clear head.

Because the smallest mistake to be made at this first moment can have consequences that can greatly affect the future of the person.

For example, to break up with anger or to decide to break up with a spouse or lover immediately.

After that, the event should be shared with a psychologist, if possible. Of course, this may be a friend or a close relative, but an objective, impartial observation and an unbiased interpretation is very important here. Sometimes big plane trees are toppled due to small betrayals, people who spend years together. divorce, families break up.

Will there be a small betrayal?

I think it does, because today betrayal is a phenomenon that almost half of people experience in one way or another. If half or almost half of the people are betrayed, it means that the number of people who can betray their spouses or lovers is very high in the society.

I am not saying this especially for our society, maybe this rate is much lower for us, but it is a scientific fact that betrayal is becoming more and more common all over the world. As for the reason; Hunger and misery are not as common in the world as they used to be. For example, the country we live in is no longer a poor country. Education levels have risen again and freedoms have increased all over the world. Now, the female sex has proven its existence, strength and abilities to the whole world. Although all these were very positive developments, they increased the desires and made it difficult to satisfy.

The gradual weakening of old habits and rules such as reaching things that he could not even imagine in the past, in other words, the increasing spread of freedom, mobilized human emotions along with it. Demands increased, satisfaction became more difficult. All these, perhaps many more reasons that I could not express in this limited time, paved the way for deception and betrayal.

Here I would like to suggest to the audience to be a little more tolerant. We are all human, we can make mistakes. And the world we live in is very conducive to making such mistakes. Perhaps even among those who attend or listen to the program, there are many people who betray or have been betrayed. The truth is not to betray. Being honest always takes courage and virtue.

Weak people or those who cannot absorb financial power betray the most. But still, let’s not succumb to our anger in the face of betrayal and try to understand the person in front of us. Because not every betrayal is an insult, humiliation or a serious reason for separation.

Our role in life begins the moment we are born. This first role, given to us by our mothers, fathers or very close relatives, sticks to us so much that we never leave that role as long as we live, even if the movies change or the scenarios are written differently. Then we call it “destiny”.

My childhood was spent in a very crowded environment. I say the past, because of course I don’t remember the days when I was newly born. I have a mother who loves joy from the heart. The day I was born, he hugged me, embraced me and embraced me so much that this world that I had never known could not frighten me. Then neighbors and friends stepped in. I’ve been from lap to lap. Each of them loved, caressed, kissed me. They organized a big birthday on the day I turned one year old. They dressed me in long blue dresses and put crowns on my head. They threw me into the air, and then they held me tight. Each of them taught something different, I tickled, I laughed a lot. That’s why it’s easy to love everything. I was always sure that I would be loved anyway, I looked at life with this confidence and this hope. The world did not scare me. I have been brave. I trusted life, and he trusted me. I have been able to do the most unlikely thing, think in the extreme, experience both pain and joy deeply.

This is how my life started, so I was able to continue like this. There is a famous saying, “Where the front wheel goes, so does the rear wheel”. We psychiatrists love this saying, and that’s why we ask everyone who comes to us what their parents are like, in other words, we want to know where the front wheel is headed. Because we know that the direction of the front wheel actually leads a person to the path of destiny. Our role in life awaits us on that road. This is such a role that even if the movies change or the scenarios are written differently, we never give up on our role, whatever we do, we find ourselves in that role again.

If a baby has opened his eyes to a world where he is not loved, cared for, and has no reliable owner, then he will have to work hard, be very sad and get tired later on to illuminate this dark world. It will not be easy to live with joy and peace, to be brave, to be successful and to enjoy this success in this world that is not ready to love, accept and embrace it quickly.

Luck is an important factor in life. Where, when and whose child we are born into is our most important luck or misfortune. Even children born to the same mother and father in the same environment do not have equal chances. Whether we are the first child, the last, a girl or a boy affects this situation a lot. The mood, financial situation, environmental conditions of the parents at that time, each of them are factors that affect this chance. A loving, caring mother is always the biggest chance. Whatever role we took in the first few years we were born, we often continue to play the same role tirelessly for the rest of our lives.

Most parents want children who are quiet, calm, don’t keep them busy all the time, play with their toys, don’t cry often, eat what’s put in front of them, sit at their mother’s knees wherever they go, study right after school, don’t ask too many questions, don’t spill, don’t talk. When these children grow up and become adults, they remain in this role. Most likely, they will finish school on time, find a suitable job, live and complete their lives as respectful to their superiors, in harmony with the environment, aware of their responsibilities to their family, who speak less, are content with what is available, cannot go further than being a chief in the place where they work, and do not want more. Great loves, great happiness, great projects, great achievements are not for these people. Their wives quickly get bored with such people. They are colorless, without excitement and enthusiasm. They have no passion for anything, they live their lives with a sense of duty, and they do not wonder about “the creator” or what he created. They always stand in the middle, vote for centrist parties, take no risks in anything, even drink coffee with cappuccino. Even if they can’t be the head of the house because they are very adaptable to life, if they have a job such as civil service, military service or academics, they can be successful here, they can become professors, generals or managers because of their strict adherence to rules, respect for everyone, and who do not like to mix with meat and milk.

There are children who are never adopted by their mothers. They climb to their mothers, to love me, take care of me, take care of me. The more she climbs, the more the mother pushes, the more the mother pushes, the more the child clings to the mother. These kids cry for everything. Life is foreign to them, scary and always full of dangers. In this dark world, they do not have a trusted owner to protect them. He can’t even start school, he always wants their mother with them, while the other children are running around, they stand aside and cry in horror. It is now certain what role life will give them. These people always feel lonely for the rest of their lives. Especially since they have a constant fear of abandonment in their love relationships, they make concessions to the other party, always become “more loving” and in the end what they fear comes to them and they are abandoned. In fact, their love is also a big lie, a lie they tell themselves. There is no serious love, but there is a serious fear of abandonment. From the moment they open their eyes to life, they repeat what they do most and cry again. Crying is an indispensable part of life for them. Then they say “destiny”, “I was always abandoned, no one loved me”. However, the person who does not love them, does not adopt them, and cannot establish the close and warm relationship they want, is not their lover. Perhaps their fate would not be like this if they did not have their prejudices and fears that they would not be loved, wanted or one day they would be abandoned.

These people, who are all interested in themselves and their bad fate, complain about everything, do not get along with the ruling parties and do not care much about whether the coffee is plain or sweet. They constantly fight and fight with their mother, whom they can never make them love, and they do not avoid any sacrifice for her, they even risk disrupting their own order, and they try to prove that they are the children who deserve to be loved the most. They always want to believe, but because of their rebellious feeling, they often quarrel with the “Creator” and blame their bad fate for everything that happens to them. The life they started crying ends up crying again.

There are also children who have suffered injustice from the day they were born and whose sense of justice has been damaged. Maybe their food is given on time, they are protected from the cold, dirt and rust, but they grow up without the love and priority they really need. They can never be the most important, the most loved, the most deserving of attention. When they are little, they engage in a great struggle with life. They go after the things they want but can’t win, they keep silent for this cause, they can’t even cry for this cause and they bury their anger very deep. When these children grow up, they will be fair, honest, tactful and tactful. They want to apply the justice that is not applied to them to the whole world, they pursue perfection in everything, they take the responsibilities of all their relatives like a robot, they give life to life without thinking about what life demands from them. When they say let’s be very logical, very realistic, life flows in front of them.

The anger that hides deep inside becomes a stone before it can find its true addressee. They are so afraid of their feelings that have turned into stone, when they try to hide it, all feelings gradually leave them. How happy they can be, how enthusiastic. They can neither be in love nor Mecnun. They have only one purpose; to control everything. If they could, they would control the whole world, they would like to see and know whether everything is done according to the rules. They sweep over and over again, checking the doors, windows, and water and gas taps, trying to convince themselves that everything is in order. Emotion, fear, delusion and obsession have almost become a hobby for such people, they cannot give up. As they are very meticulous about health, as in all matters, they even drink coffee plain, never act on their emotions, do not support any political party and are always in opposition. Because of their high sense of responsibility, they are successful in their jobs, they do justice to professions such as teaching, academic, doctor, judge, they become the sole judge of their home, but they cannot add something new to life, they cannot establish close relationships, they cannot truly love and be loved even though they are appreciated. They claim that they are right about everything, and they die rightly again.

There are many other roles, large and small, that are very different from each other and are distributed to each of us in life. These roles are determined by the relationships we have with our parents or with those who have taken their place and raised us. If we have become parents, it is now our turn to distribute roles.

If we don’t want life to take us on the road drawn by the front wheel, we should step away from ourselves and try to see what our role is in life first. If we want to change something, we must first know what to change.

Also, if we read this article carefully, even if we cannot change our own role, maybe we can change the fate of our children.

Perhaps some of you who read this article will ask: Is it that simple? Yes, dear readers, it’s that simple. In order to understand this simple thing, I have read many books that my colleagues have researched and written over the years, and I have scrutinized the lives of thousands of people. Then it came to my own life. That’s when I realized how important things that seemed to me to be very simple and detailed are, and I wanted to share this simple thing with you.

We all have the right to live this short time that we can survive to our heart’s content. Do we really use this right?

By the way, I drink my favorite coffee with sugar.

With all my love and respect.

Usually all men are afraid before marriage. They flee as the prey flees the predator. They are afraid of being caught by the hunter. For a while, they see girls as husband hunters. They do not have such fears at a young age, long before the age of marriage. Then there is only love for them. Even the idea that the end of love can lead to marriage has not yet sprout. It is easy for them to enter into serious relationships in these novice and inexperienced periods.

As the age of marriage comes, this fear begins to make itself felt. This is a strange fear. On the one hand, they see all the girls of marriageable age as a husband hunter, on the other hand, they look for the hunter who is not a hunter. However, the same is true for them at this time. They are already hunters. In the end, it is not known who hunts whom, but the marriage happens somehow.

A man looks for peace in marriage first and then mostly a good sex life. However, every man’s expectations from marriage can be different. They seek the order of their mother most. Being a father both scares them and makes them proud. After a while, in good marriages, they begin to see their spouses as their owners. They want to trust him, lean on him, lean on their partner. They always want to hear from their wives that they are a good husband and a good father. In fact, they want to hear it all the time, not just once. Hearing this connects them more to their homes and homes.

Spouses who constantly complain, criticize and dislike them are their fearful dreams. Such men often tend to cheat on their wives. All they look for when cheating on their spouses is a little excitement, a little change, but mostly to be admired, appreciated and admired. That’s why ladies, when deceived, always belittle their rivals for whether you deceived me with this. They think that they will be deceived by women who are superior and more beautiful than them. However, what a man is looking for is not a superior woman, but a woman who sees him as superior.

Chores

The fact that a man helps his wife with housework is seen as an extremely natural phenomenon today, and especially working women expect absolute support from their spouses in this regard. If both parties are working, it’s actually fair. Men should also help their wives in housework without any discrimination. However, some men do this easily, while some men are not used to such a thing. It is more difficult than it is thought to do for men who have always been served, respected and have no experience in this matter until then. Over time, he can learn to hold on to something, but he can never satisfy his wife in this sense. This can cause serious fights and arguments between spouses. For this reason, women should know well what kind of man they are marrying, and should know their spouse well before getting married. If their spouse is not prone to it, it may be wrong to make the marriage difficult just because of it. Not every man who does not or cannot help his wife in marital affairs is a bad husband. This gap can be closed in other areas.

Sometimes men can be more skilled at housework than women. While some men cook very well, some do the ironing very well. There are also men who are meticulous, constantly scavenging. Some even harass their spouse by meddling in everything. Although we psychiatrists recommend helping men to their wives, the rope should not be missed in this regard, and men should not abandon their male role.

Lie

Lying is a very broad concept. It is a wide spectrum that starts with not telling the truth and can reach to lying about vital issues. Little, white lies can be tolerated for all of us.

When it comes to lies, especially when it comes to men, the first thing that comes to mind is the lies told because they cheated on their wives. This is what comes to mind when you say lies about women. There is a prejudice that whatever the man lies about, another woman will come out of it. This is true in a sense. Men lie the most when they cheat on their wives. They cannot be expected to be honest about this, to say, my dear wife, I am cheating on you. What should be judged here is not the lie he said, but the action he did. That is an act of deception.

Another area where men lie the most is gambling. Men with a passion for gambling often lie about money.

Especially if there is a problem between their wives and their families, a man can lie about it.

Not all lies are bad. If women feel that their husbands are lying, they should first consider why they are lying and act accordingly. The little lies that are said to prevent unrest at home should not be overdone.

Middle age crisis

Midlife crisis affects men more than you think. When we say middle age, we should think about the age of forty or fifty. When men reach this age, they turn around and look behind them. What I have done, what I have lived, what I have accomplished, what I have not accomplished so far. There is not much danger in this period for peaceful, successful and satisfied men at work and at home. However, danger bells begin to ring at this age for men who have not found what they are looking for in life, have not achieved something, especially for men who have been crushed, despised, criticized, disliked, and have not been able to experience the satisfaction they want in their sexual life. It’s like they’re about to miss the last train. With a rush, a restlessness, and a dissatisfaction, they first begin to hold themselves accountable.

Just like in the menopause period of women, men need more attention, affection and praise in this period. Their tolerance has decreased. Especially sexuality gains more importance in this period because mountains of fear await. In this period, men try to pay more attention to their clothing and look younger than they are. Especially when they are taken from their spouse’s every move, they start blaming their spouses when they can’t find the spiritual satisfaction they think they deserve.

In general, they keep complaining about the fast flow of life, not being able to find time for anything, and not being able to do anything for themselves. Doing sports comes to mind at this age.

They start to blame their relatives for the failure and cause problems in every matter as soon as it happens.

Smart women notice this.

The people of our country have been living with crises for years. I mean, it never even came out. Economic crises that occur every 8-10 years, natural disasters, terrorism, emerging corruption and wars surrounding our country… All these strengthen our people against all kinds of crises and increase their ability to stand under all conditions, while destroying their sense of trust. .

Indeed, I think there is no other country in the world that is as resilient to crises as we are. Our people did not give up on this almost uninterrupted struggle, starting from the War of Independence to the present day, even if they were oppressed, tired, fed up, and sometimes left hungry, thirsty and cold. Resisted…

Now, not only our country, but the whole world is facing a very serious economic crisis. Crises affect people’s spiritual world much more than is thought. First of all, it causes a serious shake-up in our sense of confidence. The feeling of trust is the main element of the platform on which mental health sits. In other words, with the loss of the sense of trust, it is as if the ground slips from under our feet and everything starts to collapse gradually.

First, hopes for the future are affected. Especially in young people, the decrease or even disappearance of hope can cause very serious problems. Less interest in the lessons, more rebellious, more aggressive and irresponsible, even if they wanted to have difficulty in disciplining themselves.

Whether they work, pass their classes, or graduate from school with the best grades, the future never holds promise for them. This situation leads to deterioration in relations with teachers and close circles, especially with their families. This revolt gradually increases as families, already in a difficult situation due to the impact of the economic crisis, restrict the wishes of young people. As a result of all these, the society is filled with fights, fights, people who are prone to commit crimes and who easily resort to violence for very simple reasons.

In times of crisis, there is an increase in the tendency to commit crimes all over the world, because people who have less hope for the future commit crimes more easily. Prisons and courts are overflowing and the most profitable are the lawyers, if they can get their money.

Again, in times of crisis, a depressive mood spreads to the whole society in waves. People are reluctant, weary, they have a feeling of fear that they cannot describe and understand. They do not make easy decisions on any subject. Even the smallest expenses make people feel guilty. Let alone starting a new business, even those who have financial assets far beyond their needs are frightened and afraid to take a new step.

This is the psychological aspect of the crisis. Because such economic crises do not affect all segments of society equally in material terms. Those who lost their jobs or could not find a job due to the crisis, those who started a new business, those who had previously borrowed money in foreign currency, those who already barely made a living, or large businessmen who do extensive business are the most affected by the crisis. A large group of people other than this, on the other hand, start to reduce their expenditures and give up on their new projects, due to the fact that the crisis discourses deteriorate their psychology rather than the crisis itself, and a general atmosphere of insecurity and uncertainty. In other words, the psychological dimension of the crisis doubles the economic crisis all over the world.

In these periods, a great increase is seen in applications to psychiatry. As well as those who have lost their jobs, those who cannot find a job, and businessmen who cannot pay their debts, many people, including those who have not been significantly affected by the crisis financially, feel the need to seek psychiatric help with various complaints.

There is a significant increase in panic attacks and various phobias, especially depression. Sleep is disturbed, psychosomatic diseases such as heart attack, stomach ulcer or gastritis, intestinal colitis, allergies, in other words, there is a noticeable increase in the rate of physical diseases that occur due to psychological reasons. Because the most important cause of such diseases is stress.

Again in this period, divorces increase because financial inadequacies, fears of the future make people intolerant. Sexual power and desires decrease. Men who have never raised a hand to their spouses can easily resort to violence. Children living in such an environment, on the other hand, are the group that suffers the most, as can be easily guessed. The cornerstone of child mental health is a safe, loving and warm environment.

There is neither trust nor warmth in the family, which is increasingly tense due to financial problems. Therefore, various mental symptoms begin to appear in young girls and boys as well as in young children. Their success in school decreases, nighttime peeing, stuttering, not eating, constant crying and whining increase.

Thus, suicides may increase as anger is directed towards oneself as well as the rate of committing crimes. Although the people of our country are affected by the economic crisis, as in the rest of the world, the crisis is not foreign to us, as it has not been able to find the environment of trust that it has dreamed of for many years. Turkey has neither experienced crises nor survived crises so far. Our people have experienced this. So we are used to crises now. A person is afraid of something once. Afterwards, the feeling of fear gradually decreases. Just like in horror movies. The horror felt when watching a horror movie for the first time gradually diminishes or even disappears when watched over and over again. This is also the case for us.

But it has been years since the majority of people living in Europe and America forgot about the crisis. Most of them were born in an atmosphere of perfect trust. They watched wars, poverty, hunger and terror only on television. This generation will experience the crisis there now. They will be introduced to the feeling of “fear” that we have been familiar with for years, and naturally the crisis will affect people there much more than is thought.

When it comes to our country; We will all be afraid of the crisis together, our sleep will be disturbed, we will wake up in the morning anxious and dejected, our faces will be as sullen as ever, but whatever we do, we will get through this crisis. We all know this for

The meaning of mobbing can be defined as psychological violence, pressure or harassment. Especially in places where there is a hierarchical structure, it is the powerful oppressing the underdogs or harassing them in various ways. This harassment can sometimes be done by using social and psychological pressure methods, and sometimes it can be in the form of concrete sexual harassment. In recent years, mobbing, especially in the workplace, has become a hot topic all over the world. Experts conduct various researches on the subject and therefore try to explain their rights to the victims. However, especially in countries like ours, which have a deep-rooted history and deep-rooted traditions, especially women who have been subjected to sexual harassment are worried about even hearing this and are hesitant to refer the case to the judiciary.

I have seen many patients who applied to our clinic because they were harassed in different ways at their workplace. Although each of them had a different story, they had a common feature; While the guilty went unpunished, storms were blowing in the inner worlds of the victims. For example, there was a Shaheed. She was a chubby girl of 35-40 years old, with blond hair, blue eyes and a small nose. The freckles scattered over her pink skin gave her a cute look. She used to live with her family in a remote district of Ankara. She had a betrothal in her twenties. Engagement lasted for a long time and eventually the man’s part broke off the engagement. Notorious… Then she never got married again. At that time, she got a small job at the government office with the help of an acquaintance. He’s wrapped up in his work. He gets up early in the morning, dresses cleanly and goes to work. Thus, she was happy to get rid of both the gossip and the reproachful glances at home. She learned things quickly. While She didn’t even know how to speak properly at first, she trained herself in time and managed to become the secretary of the highest official of the place where she worked.

His first boss was a sullen, meticulous, quick-tempered person who spoke little and did not tolerate the slightest mistake. Not only to Shaheste, but to everyone who entered his room for one reason or another, he would shout and shout, even to his wife who called him on the phone. He did not like this man, who did not even look at the person’s face while he was talking, like everyone else, but despite everything, he was an honest and undeserved person. He worked until late at night, and Shaheste had to stay at work with him and tried to help him as much as he could without angering the boss. Years have passed, times have changed, and this time, the sullen boss has been replaced by a smiling, handsome, very respectful artist, especially towards women. Everyone says stay behind. Previously, all the ladies working in the flat looked at this smug, handsome, witty man with admiration. There were even those who envied Shaheste for working with him. Over time, the boss often calls the beautiful and flamboyant ladies working in the flat to him with an excuse. The doors were closing, no one was allowed in, and the rumors were increasing. Shaheste is confused. His biggest fear was that his name would be revealed once again. He was afraid to enter the boss’s room now, and he couldn’t even do the things he always did out of excitement.

In the evenings, like the previous boss, this one leaves late, and they complete most of the work from the day late. He would say to Shaheste from time to time, “You can go out”. At that time, Shaheste was running out of work and was wondering if he would really work after me or if one of the women would come again. One evening they worked together again until late. That day, the boss was very upset, and for the first time, everyone heard how he shouted and insulted someone. When the work was finished, the boss called Shaheste to him. He said, “I’m so tense, massage my shoulders.” The girl was taken aback and she started to tremble with fear. The man called out to Shaheste once more, this time much louder; “Don’t you hear, don’t shake, I’m already tired, and don’t bother me with you.”

For years, Shaheste has lived far away from these jobs, saying from home to work, from work to home. No one liked him or followed him, nor did he look sideways at anyone. There was only one thing that kept him alive and gave him the joy of life; his job… Losing his job meant the same as dying for him. Sighing “bismillah”, she approached the man and reached towards the boss’s shoulders with her shaking hands, but she could not manage to massage. The boss suddenly turned his swivel chair towards him and said, “Are you kidding me, do it properly”. But it didn’t. The swivel chair turned towards him once again. This time, anger flashed in the boss’s eyes. He slapped Shaheste hard with the back of his hand. The girl was surprised at what had happened. He was beaten a lot in his childhood and youth, but he has never experienced anything like this before. His face was red, frozen. Then it was as if he went to another dimension and started to do whatever the boss said, like a robot.

Shaheste, who lost her virginity that night. After that day, he had a ache. At night, he would not sleep until the morning, what he experienced that night was constantly passing before his eyes like a slow motion movie, and he was thinking at the same time. Some did not know whom to complain to. He was afraid of losing his job and of losing his name again. It was as if everyone would understand what had happened that night just by looking at his face. He was worried that if he was close to the boss, what happened that night would repeat, and if he stayed away, he would be fired from his job and be transferred to other places. One of the things he feared the most was that the incident would be heard by his family. He remembers the days when his fiancée left him.

He became sluggish, distracted, and started making mistakes over and over at his job. The boss noticed the change in him right away. One day, he called her to him again and said, “You can give me a massage once in a while in the evening if you want, but if you don’t want, I’ll take you to another department. You actually like it too, but girls are too embarrassed to say it. Do not forget what will happen to you if you tell this to others.” These words weighed more heavily on Shaheste than what she had experienced that night.

When he first came to me, he had already been transferred to another place. He was confused, his mental health was almost completely deteriorated. He said that someone from the workplace was constantly following him, that a hidden camera was placed in his room, that everyone working in the apartment knew about the incident, that they looked at him and laughed about it, and that no one wanted to be friends with him anymore like before. Previously, these suspicions were limited only to the place where he worked, but later the neighbors living in the neighborhood got involved and eventually became suspicious of everyone. Taxis were honking their horns to show that they knew about the incident, and even the songs played on television and radio were referring to him.

Shahete was treated as an inpatient in the hospital for a while. Then he was given long delegation reports and eventually retired due to disability. When he retired, he did not want to stay in Ankara. Now he lives in his hometown with his mother. He takes a handful of drugs every day. There was a small garden in front of their house. He was busy with the garden until the evening, never leaving the house.

It comes to me one day a year. His old delusions are gone, but he is offended by the world. The color that used to be pink has turned yellow. His blue eyes look sad. He always blames himself for what happened that night and asks me every time he comes, “Wouldn’t it be okay if I didn’t want to?” saying…

In my first years of working as a cheating and abandonment psychiatrist, that is, 25-30 years ago (in fact, I don’t like talking about such huge numbers when talking about past years, but unfortunately this is the truth) I only listened to women who were cheated on. These were women stabbed in the chest, that’s how they felt, crying for a long time in my room at the clinic. These women made me feel that the effect of deception on people is worse than death, starting from those times.

The thing that caught my attention most in such stories was that these women, who were cheated on by their husbands, thought that “everybody does it, but my wife never does”. This thought was not only theirs, their close circles also thought so. But one day, it was a complete shock when the bitter truth suddenly came to light, and besides, it was clear that these men had a long-lasting love affair, that their relationship was not new at all.

These women, who have not made any sacrifices for their husbands for years, are very fond of their homes and children, when they realize what kind of betrayal they have been subjected to, they are struck by their brains, they cannot come to their senses for a long time and naturally they cannot act rationally.

Some of the cheating men, on the other hand, apologize after apology when this incident was revealed, they tried every way to make themselves forgiven, but meanwhile, they could not give up on their wives and lovers. Some men, on the other hand, denied the incident despite all kinds of evidence and tried to convince their wives of their innocence. The most painful thing was those who could not stand the anger of their spouses and went for divorce immediately, perhaps using this as an excuse.

After all these years, both being cheated on and being dumped drive women crazy, make them do things they would never do, and in order to take revenge on their husbands, these women actually sacrificed their own lives for this cause once again.

In the following years, the scenario began to change. Now cheated husbands are starting to come to me. Now there is complete equality in this regard, that is, both women cheat and men both cheat. Okay but why? In fact, in recent years, especially in big cities, people are marrying the people they choose, and since most women have a job, they are not condemned to men.

But still, both in our country and especially in developed Western Countries, while people are getting divorced quickly, on the other hand, married people continue to cheat on each other. So we have to accept the fact that cheating has become a part of our lives all over the world.

Why Do Man Cheat?

Men are structurally freer beings. The responsibilities brought by marriage, work, power, children, families and the problems they bring arouse a sense of captivity, an unwanted dependency in their souls after a while, and some of them look for ways to get rid of this chain and to be free. Moreover, having a relationship with other women despite being married is not seen as something to be condemned, especially in Eastern Societies, and even the event is tried to be minimized by saying “the dirt on a man’s hand”.

Freedom is often hidden within social prohibitions. Maybe sex with another woman who doesn’t have their husband’s nails makes them feel free. While feeling guilty about such relationships, they either buy their spouses plenty of gifts to compensate for this dominant feeling, or treat them worse than usual, and even vomit anger. Because even if they know that they are wrong in committing this crime, they hold their spouses responsible and try to comfort themselves by using small incidents as an excuse. After a while, feelings become licking and cheating becomes a daily habit for such men. If they can’t find a way to cheat on their wives anymore, and they can’t get young women to bed, trouble begins.

It is not the same for all men. Some man’s nature is not suited to cheating on his partner. He considers cheating a vice in himself and does not cheat on his wife, no matter what happens. These men still exist, albeit very extinct.

Some men don’t do it just to relax or feel a little free. Falls in love. Its main purpose is not to betray the marital relationship that has been worn out over the years. If he’s strong enough, he’ll explain it himself, but an addicted man falls in love, denies it, and wastes himself and these two women at the same time. The result is a triple unhappiness.

Why Do Woman Cheat?

Women often behave very differently from men when it comes to cheating. The thought of putting a man to bed is generally not uncommon in married women. Their concern is to establish an emotional relationship. Women want to be loved, loved, admired and valued. Especially women who cannot find such satisfactions in their spouses, who cannot feel loved and cared for, and who suffer from emotional hunger, betray. In addition, they do not get carried away, do not change partners easily, and no matter what they go through, they always feel the pain of being the cheater in their hearts. In fact, this sense of guilt is sometimes so intense that they almost betray themselves, just like the murderer’s arrival at the crime scene, and thus they pursue punishment.

What Should the Deceived Person Do?

Although deception pierces one’s heart like a dagger, the event should always be approached calmly. What happened should not be shared with relatives, but with a psychologist who can approach the event impartially, and decisions on the subject should not be taken immediately. In the therapy sessions, intense emotional reactions to the event should be discharged first, then a detailed study should be made on the reasons for what happened, and the final decision should be made only after that, because the decisions taken with the pain of betrayal usually punish the person who has been betrayed even though they are aimed at punishing the other party.

In addition, people who have been betrayed should not consider such events as humiliation, dislike or rejection, they should try to increase their awareness here, as in everything else in life, and seek ways to improve and not be deceived again, even in this painful event.

Is It Possible Not To Be Deceived?

If the other party has a tendency to cheat due to different psychological problems, it is not possible not to be cheated on, but care should be taken in premarital friendships and even minor incidents should be taken seriously because if a person does something once, it is very likely that he will do it again.

However, there are some important points that people should pay attention to in this regard. First of all, whether it is friendship or marriage, people should always take care of their relations with the other party, take into account the feelings and needs of the other party as well as themselves, not give too much, try not to lose their respect for themselves and the other party, and hold their heads high no matter what. Great sacrifices made for the sake of the relationship are always very dangerous. Instead of always giving and always being right, I suggest you share life because if the right one had won, we would be living in a very different world today. There is no law of right or wrong in nature, there are winners and losers. Hope you can be the winner.