Expert Articles

Psych. Gulseren BUDAYICIOGLU January 10, 2024

Reflections of the Economic Crisis on the Human Spirit

The people of our country have been living with crises for years. I mean, it never even came out. Economic crises that occur every 8-10 years, natural disasters, terrorism, emerging corruption and wars surrounding our country… All these strengthen our people against all kinds of crises and increase their ability to stand under all conditions, while destroying their sense of trust. .

Indeed, I think there is no other country in the world that is as resilient to crises as we are. Our people did not give up on this almost uninterrupted struggle, starting from the War of Independence to the present day, even if they were oppressed, tired, fed up, and sometimes left hungry, thirsty and cold. Resisted…

Now, not only our country, but the whole world is facing a very serious economic crisis. Crises affect people’s spiritual world much more than is thought. First of all, it causes a serious shake-up in our sense of confidence. The feeling of trust is the main element of the platform on which mental health sits. In other words, with the loss of the sense of trust, it is as if the ground slips from under our feet and everything starts to collapse gradually.

First, hopes for the future are affected. Especially in young people, the decrease or even disappearance of hope can cause very serious problems. Less interest in the lessons, more rebellious, more aggressive and irresponsible, even if they wanted to have difficulty in disciplining themselves.

Whether they work, pass their classes, or graduate from school with the best grades, the future never holds promise for them. This situation leads to deterioration in relations with teachers and close circles, especially with their families. This revolt gradually increases as families, already in a difficult situation due to the impact of the economic crisis, restrict the wishes of young people. As a result of all these, the society is filled with fights, fights, people who are prone to commit crimes and who easily resort to violence for very simple reasons.

In times of crisis, there is an increase in the tendency to commit crimes all over the world, because people who have less hope for the future commit crimes more easily. Prisons and courts are overflowing and the most profitable are the lawyers, if they can get their money.

Again, in times of crisis, a depressive mood spreads to the whole society in waves. People are reluctant, weary, they have a feeling of fear that they cannot describe and understand. They do not make easy decisions on any subject. Even the smallest expenses make people feel guilty. Let alone starting a new business, even those who have financial assets far beyond their needs are frightened and afraid to take a new step.

This is the psychological aspect of the crisis. Because such economic crises do not affect all segments of society equally in material terms. Those who lost their jobs or could not find a job due to the crisis, those who started a new business, those who had previously borrowed money in foreign currency, those who already barely made a living, or large businessmen who do extensive business are the most affected by the crisis. A large group of people other than this, on the other hand, start to reduce their expenditures and give up on their new projects, due to the fact that the crisis discourses deteriorate their psychology rather than the crisis itself, and a general atmosphere of insecurity and uncertainty. In other words, the psychological dimension of the crisis doubles the economic crisis all over the world.

In these periods, a great increase is seen in applications to psychiatry. As well as those who have lost their jobs, those who cannot find a job, and businessmen who cannot pay their debts, many people, including those who have not been significantly affected by the crisis financially, feel the need to seek psychiatric help with various complaints.

There is a significant increase in panic attacks and various phobias, especially depression. Sleep is disturbed, psychosomatic diseases such as heart attack, stomach ulcer or gastritis, intestinal colitis, allergies, in other words, there is a noticeable increase in the rate of physical diseases that occur due to psychological reasons. Because the most important cause of such diseases is stress.

Again in this period, divorces increase because financial inadequacies, fears of the future make people intolerant. Sexual power and desires decrease. Men who have never raised a hand to their spouses can easily resort to violence. Children living in such an environment, on the other hand, are the group that suffers the most, as can be easily guessed. The cornerstone of child mental health is a safe, loving and warm environment.

There is neither trust nor warmth in the family, which is increasingly tense due to financial problems. Therefore, various mental symptoms begin to appear in young girls and boys as well as in young children. Their success in school decreases, nighttime peeing, stuttering, not eating, constant crying and whining increase.

Thus, suicides may increase as anger is directed towards oneself as well as the rate of committing crimes. Although the people of our country are affected by the economic crisis, as in the rest of the world, the crisis is not foreign to us, as it has not been able to find the environment of trust that it has dreamed of for many years. Turkey has neither experienced crises nor survived crises so far. Our people have experienced this. So we are used to crises now. A person is afraid of something once. Afterwards, the feeling of fear gradually decreases. Just like in horror movies. The horror felt when watching a horror movie for the first time gradually diminishes or even disappears when watched over and over again. This is also the case for us.

But it has been years since the majority of people living in Europe and America forgot about the crisis. Most of them were born in an atmosphere of perfect trust. They watched wars, poverty, hunger and terror only on television. This generation will experience the crisis there now. They will be introduced to the feeling of “fear” that we have been familiar with for years, and naturally the crisis will affect people there much more than is thought.

When it comes to our country; We will all be afraid of the crisis together, our sleep will be disturbed, we will wake up in the morning anxious and dejected, our faces will be as sullen as ever, but whatever we do, we will get through this crisis. We all know this for

Psych. Gulseren BUDAYICIOGLU January 10, 2024

A Mobbing Tragedy

The meaning of mobbing can be defined as psychological violence, pressure or harassment. Especially in places where there is a hierarchical structure, it is the powerful oppressing the underdogs or harassing them in various ways. This harassment can sometimes be done by using social and psychological pressure methods, and sometimes it can be in the form of concrete sexual harassment. In recent years, mobbing, especially in the workplace, has become a hot topic all over the world. Experts conduct various researches on the subject and therefore try to explain their rights to the victims. However, especially in countries like ours, which have a deep-rooted history and deep-rooted traditions, especially women who have been subjected to sexual harassment are worried about even hearing this and are hesitant to refer the case to the judiciary.

I have seen many patients who applied to our clinic because they were harassed in different ways at their workplace. Although each of them had a different story, they had a common feature; While the guilty went unpunished, storms were blowing in the inner worlds of the victims. For example, there was a Shaheed. She was a chubby girl of 35-40 years old, with blond hair, blue eyes and a small nose. The freckles scattered over her pink skin gave her a cute look. She used to live with her family in a remote district of Ankara. She had a betrothal in her twenties. Engagement lasted for a long time and eventually the man’s part broke off the engagement. Notorious… Then she never got married again. At that time, she got a small job at the government office with the help of an acquaintance. He’s wrapped up in his work. He gets up early in the morning, dresses cleanly and goes to work. Thus, she was happy to get rid of both the gossip and the reproachful glances at home. She learned things quickly. While She didn’t even know how to speak properly at first, she trained herself in time and managed to become the secretary of the highest official of the place where she worked.

His first boss was a sullen, meticulous, quick-tempered person who spoke little and did not tolerate the slightest mistake. Not only to Shaheste, but to everyone who entered his room for one reason or another, he would shout and shout, even to his wife who called him on the phone. He did not like this man, who did not even look at the person’s face while he was talking, like everyone else, but despite everything, he was an honest and undeserved person. He worked until late at night, and Shaheste had to stay at work with him and tried to help him as much as he could without angering the boss. Years have passed, times have changed, and this time, the sullen boss has been replaced by a smiling, handsome, very respectful artist, especially towards women. Everyone says stay behind. Previously, all the ladies working in the flat looked at this smug, handsome, witty man with admiration. There were even those who envied Shaheste for working with him. Over time, the boss often calls the beautiful and flamboyant ladies working in the flat to him with an excuse. The doors were closing, no one was allowed in, and the rumors were increasing. Shaheste is confused. His biggest fear was that his name would be revealed once again. He was afraid to enter the boss’s room now, and he couldn’t even do the things he always did out of excitement.

In the evenings, like the previous boss, this one leaves late, and they complete most of the work from the day late. He would say to Shaheste from time to time, “You can go out”. At that time, Shaheste was running out of work and was wondering if he would really work after me or if one of the women would come again. One evening they worked together again until late. That day, the boss was very upset, and for the first time, everyone heard how he shouted and insulted someone. When the work was finished, the boss called Shaheste to him. He said, “I’m so tense, massage my shoulders.” The girl was taken aback and she started to tremble with fear. The man called out to Shaheste once more, this time much louder; “Don’t you hear, don’t shake, I’m already tired, and don’t bother me with you.”

For years, Shaheste has lived far away from these jobs, saying from home to work, from work to home. No one liked him or followed him, nor did he look sideways at anyone. There was only one thing that kept him alive and gave him the joy of life; his job… Losing his job meant the same as dying for him. Sighing “bismillah”, she approached the man and reached towards the boss’s shoulders with her shaking hands, but she could not manage to massage. The boss suddenly turned his swivel chair towards him and said, “Are you kidding me, do it properly”. But it didn’t. The swivel chair turned towards him once again. This time, anger flashed in the boss’s eyes. He slapped Shaheste hard with the back of his hand. The girl was surprised at what had happened. He was beaten a lot in his childhood and youth, but he has never experienced anything like this before. His face was red, frozen. Then it was as if he went to another dimension and started to do whatever the boss said, like a robot.

Shaheste, who lost her virginity that night. After that day, he had a ache. At night, he would not sleep until the morning, what he experienced that night was constantly passing before his eyes like a slow motion movie, and he was thinking at the same time. Some did not know whom to complain to. He was afraid of losing his job and of losing his name again. It was as if everyone would understand what had happened that night just by looking at his face. He was worried that if he was close to the boss, what happened that night would repeat, and if he stayed away, he would be fired from his job and be transferred to other places. One of the things he feared the most was that the incident would be heard by his family. He remembers the days when his fiancée left him.

He became sluggish, distracted, and started making mistakes over and over at his job. The boss noticed the change in him right away. One day, he called her to him again and said, “You can give me a massage once in a while in the evening if you want, but if you don’t want, I’ll take you to another department. You actually like it too, but girls are too embarrassed to say it. Do not forget what will happen to you if you tell this to others.” These words weighed more heavily on Shaheste than what she had experienced that night.

When he first came to me, he had already been transferred to another place. He was confused, his mental health was almost completely deteriorated. He said that someone from the workplace was constantly following him, that a hidden camera was placed in his room, that everyone working in the apartment knew about the incident, that they looked at him and laughed about it, and that no one wanted to be friends with him anymore like before. Previously, these suspicions were limited only to the place where he worked, but later the neighbors living in the neighborhood got involved and eventually became suspicious of everyone. Taxis were honking their horns to show that they knew about the incident, and even the songs played on television and radio were referring to him.

Shahete was treated as an inpatient in the hospital for a while. Then he was given long delegation reports and eventually retired due to disability. When he retired, he did not want to stay in Ankara. Now he lives in his hometown with his mother. He takes a handful of drugs every day. There was a small garden in front of their house. He was busy with the garden until the evening, never leaving the house.

It comes to me one day a year. His old delusions are gone, but he is offended by the world. The color that used to be pink has turned yellow. His blue eyes look sad. He always blames himself for what happened that night and asks me every time he comes, “Wouldn’t it be okay if I didn’t want to?” saying…

Psy. Deniz TAN KUMCUOGLU January 10, 2024

Trauma-Associated Disorders

Trauma, in its most general definition, is a state of discomfort resulting from an unusual experience that has a lasting effect on the individual’s mental state and personality. It is possible to examine traumas in 2 types as short-term and permanent traumas. While short-term traumas occur as a result of sudden and non-continuous events such as earthquakes, fires, and traffic accidents, continuous traumas include continuous situations such as domestic violence, neglect, abuse. The way of perceiving and making sense of the events or the catastrophic experiences that can create a traumatic effect differs for each individual. According to one person, the situation/event may be experienced by someone else as a traumatic situation, while it may reveal emotions that can be overcome. This situation is shaped by many factors such as the person’s developmental processes, genetic structure, and social environment.

Acute Stress Disorder (Asb)

Acute stress disorder is a condition in which people develop symptoms soon after exposure to a traumatic experience. According to the diagnostic criteria, it should last more than 3 days after the stressful event and should not exceed 1 month after the event. If symptoms persist for more than 1 month, it is not called acute stress disorder. Many of the people who continue to have problems afterward are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Events such as serious injuries, sexual or physical abuse, death of a loved one are experiences that can cause acute stress disorder. But not every mourning process turns into trauma.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder do not usually appear immediately after the trauma. After some time has passed since the traumatic event, people relive the event (flashback) and avoid thinking about the event. They may develop a sense of guilt by holding themselves accountable for what happened. Physiological arousal such as sweating, trembling, focusing difficulties, waking up from sleep and being alert all the time are common symptoms. Prolonged duration of the traumatic event, being a rare condition, and extreme severity increase the likelihood of individuals developing PTSD. At the same time, traumatic situations experienced by people in close circles such as children, spouses, relatives are also one of the reasons that increase the probability of developing PTSD.

Events that may be traumatic for adults may not be for children. In particular, the criteria for trauma before the age of 6 may differ markedly. Experiencing the event directly, especially witnessing or learning what happened to primary caregivers (mother, father, etc.) are situations that may lead to the development of PTSD in children. There is no re-experiencing of the traumatic event, that is, flashbacks, which exist in adults in the 0-6 age period. Because in this period, abstract thinking skills are not fully developed yet. Children may not remember the event, but they avoid evocative objects, people, and situations. When examining post-traumatic stress disorder in children, exposure to traumatic events through the media is excluded. Since the self-centered mindset is dominant at the age of 6 and before, the child only thinks about himself and his relatives, and the events in the media do not turn into trauma. Among the symptoms that a traumatized child may show are retroactive behaviors we call regression. If an 8-year-old child suddenly begins to show the developmental characteristics of younger years, trauma should be suspected. Negative memories may not appear to be distressing to the child, but may arise with re-enactment during play. Children may have difficulty in establishing relationships between events. In cases where they have not experienced the memory that caused the trauma before, they cannot easily express the event because it is difficult for them to perceive the event. For this reason, it is recommended that children who are exposed to situations that can be considered trauma should seek expert support immediately.

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Psk. Deniz TAN KUMCUOĞLU

Psy. Deniz TAN KUMCUOGLU January 10, 2024

Drug Uses in Psychiatry

We can say that there is an extreme tendency towards medical drugs in our society. Most of the time, it is common to use medication based on the symptoms that occur in the body, even if it is not prescribed by a doctor. In cases such as a small cough, fever or headache, we resort to medicine without hesitation. However, when it comes to psychiatric drug treatment, we see that individuals can react negatively by feeling uneasy.

The negative attitudes of families towards drug therapy in mental health stem from the most common misconceptions. Families, especially those who strongly oppose their children’s use of drugs, often try to resort to other treatment methods. The role of brain biochemistry in research on the causes of mental problems in both children and adults is no longer discussed.

Drugs contribute to the solution of existing problems by interacting with the mechanisms that provide communication between nerve cells. Contrary to what is known, drugs used in treatment do not cause people to have difficulty in fulfilling their vital functions or to be disconnected from life. Except for the group of drugs called “benzodiazepines”, no psychiatric drug is physiologically addictive, or there is no such thing as an excessive amount of side effects for each individual. Psychiatrists plan the appropriate treatment in line with “profit-loss” analysis, taking into account the genetic predispositions and individual differences of individuals.

How should it be used? How should it be terminated?

Irregular use of prescribed drugs, or their abrupt discontinuation without a doctor’s supervision, does more harm than good to patients. It is known that abruptly discontinued drugs may cause withdrawal syndrome in individuals. In order for your treatment to provide healthy results, you must strictly follow the instructions given by your doctor. In particular, the curative effect of antidepressant group drugs does not appear in the first 2-3 weeks after they are used. In the meantime, individuals may think that they can’t see any benefit from the drugs, and they may turn to quit the drug.

This false belief causes your treatment to end before it even begins. Similarly, the well-being felt in the process after the drugs start to take effect may reveal perceptions such as “I got better anyway, I don’t need the drug anymore”. However, the termination of the treatment is not dependent on this situation. Continuity of preventive treatment is needed to prevent your disease from recurring in the future.

Do drugs provide a definitive solution?

One of the misconceptions of individuals about psychiatric drug therapy is that drug use provides a definitive solution to every disease or situation. However, the use of drugs in the treatment of mental health and diseases is only one of the treatment methods. Researches made; It demonstrates the visible curative effect of combining drug therapy with treatment methods such as individual psychotherapy, family and couple therapy, or play therapy for children. For this reason, you should adapt to the treatment methods approved by your doctor, and you should not avoid getting information about the drugs you use for question marks in your mind.

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Ps. Deniz TAN

Psy. Deniz TAN KUMCUOGLU January 10, 2024

Our Most “Popular” Schemes

The emotional needs of individuals that are not met, especially in childhood, play a role in the formation of certain schemas.

Emotional deprivation:

It results from the emotional neglect of a child’s primary caregiver, most often the mother. The idea that “I will never be loved enough” prevails. These people, knowingly or unknowingly, put emotional pressure on those people in order to be loved and valued by others. When this pressure disturbs the other person and brings them to the point of giving up on the relationship, the thoughts that I will never be happy are reinforced. This is what we might call a self-fulfilling prophecy.

abandonment:

When a child has a particularly troubled parent relationship; It is a schema that is frequently seen in children of families who cannot establish a commitment due to reasons such as divorce, leaving parents, parents away from home, loss, fighting parents, domestic violence. These people unconsciously start their relationship with the perception that “it will end one day anyway, one day he will leave”. They become overly attached to the people with whom they have an emotional relationship, pretending that there is no possibility of abandonment, and actually create environments suitable for abandonment. For example, a person whose partner does not answer their phone calls may hurt their partner by displaying extremely angry and impulsive behaviors, thinking that they have been cheated on.

submissiveness:

It is a common schema in children growing up with authoritarian, oppressive, punishing, decision-making parents. They think that they have to put the feelings, thoughts and needs of others before their own. They have poor ability to say no. These individuals have 3 different reaction mechanisms.

The surrender response is geared towards submission and surrender, especially by relating to authoritarian people. These people often use the answer “it doesn’t matter” in their interpersonal conversations.

The avoidance reaction means that the individual avoids expressing his own opinion if the other person has a different opinion, and his expressions are limited.

The overcompensation response is the opposite of the delivery response. They pointlessly and irrationally go against the ideas of others. It can also be called a denial mechanism.

Sacrifice yourself:

The schema of self-sacrifice (superman) is like subjugation. The difference between them comes from self-sacrifice. The individual acts by thinking that the other person will be upset if he does not meet the needs of the other person. It is a more reasonable option to feel sorry for him instead. In general, the eldest children of the house, the children who take responsibility, the children whose mother is sick and go from the childhood role to the mother role are prone to the self-sacrifice scheme. In this scheme, we can talk about a hidden narcissism, a mentality such as “I am strong, but I can do it well”. Individuals with the self-sacrifice schema, which is frequently seen in Turkish society, especially in mothers, have the behavior of giving without any response as a response response. They have a deep fear of being selfish and their giving behavior is often exaggerated.

Imperfection:

It is a schema often developed by the children of parents who criticize and judge. They think that they are deficient and inadequate in many aspects. Whatever they did did not benefit their parents. These individuals unconsciously and constantly try to prove themselves to critical people. They aim to look perfect. They do not realize that by criticizing others, they are actually criticizing their own faults. They often put people who accept themselves as they are, that is, non-critical and non-judgmental. Thus, the schemas of imperfection continue to consolidate.

Righteousness/Grandism:

It is a scheme developed by children who are given everything unlimitedly by their parents, who are given whatever they want, or by individuals who were neglected/exploited in early childhood. Individuals think that they have the right to do anything to anyone who stands in their way in a social structure. As a surrender response, they take all rights when their benefactors oppose them. In the overcompensated response, the opposite is the case, they tend to be overindulgent towards others. In some cases, they show avoidance behavior instead of being unfair.

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Psk. Deniz TAN KUMCUOĞLU

Psy. Deniz TAN KUMCUOGLU January 10, 2024

The Importance of Peer Relationships in Children

In early childhood, babies begin to show a marked interest in all other children. However, since the social skills necessary to play with other children are not yet fully developed, the first types of play are the ones they play alone. After a while, they start to play side-by-side games with their peers around the age of 2. In these parallel games, they play similarly, but they are still not interacting enough. At the age of 2 and a half, with the development of language, imaginary games and games in which communication increase is made. At the age of 3 and 3 and a half, “house-like” games are established, which are cooperative and where the imagination is highly developed.

The period in which peer relationships begin to affect lifelong development in children is the beginning of school. The pressure to be loved and accepted by the society, which is encountered for the first time, begins to show itself. Adoption by classmates is a major factor that can have a long-term impact on a child’s personality development and possible behavioral disorders. According to studies, it has been found that children who are not adopted, excluded and not accepted by their friends are more likely to change school, drop out of school, engage in delinquent behaviors and develop psychological disorders in their future lives. Children who do not have friends are not only “vicious” and “aggressive” children. Besides the children who are not accepted by their friends due to their irritable behaviors, there are also children who are rejected, neglected and not given the opportunity to develop their problem-solving skills. In order to support their children and show that they are there for them in every way, parents tend to intervene immediately in school problems. However, this situation often results in an obstacle to the ability of the child to seek solutions to the problems and to strive for solutions. The child may avoid one-to-one communication with his peers by seeking parental support in every problem he encounters in his life. In such cases, as social relations are negatively affected, the child may become more prone to social anxiety and depression.

In addition to the academic development it contains, the school is effective in many important acquisitions such as social experiences, a sense of competence and success, self-confidence and endurance in the lives of children. In this period, which contributes to children’s self-knowledge and awareness, there are important features such as determining their strengths and weaknesses, making social comparisons, and creating a lifelong positive self-perception. While children who are successful at school and gain a sense of satisfaction from school life develop a positive perspective in their general life; Children who encounter frustration at school and are not adopted may attribute this negative perception to their life-long personality structures. Some peer relationship problems, which do not seem so important to parents, can seriously damage both the meanings ascribed to the child’s bilateral relations and the sense of satisfaction received from social life.

Since friendship is viewed as a continuous social relationship that includes mutual support and trust, especially in peer relationships established during adolescence, it can be seen that adolescents sometimes give importance to friendship rather than family. When it is not realized that this situation is a periodic process, parents may seek help in a panic. Since most adolescents have not yet reached a stable identity structure and have difficulty thinking about the long-term consequences of their behavior, they need support, guidance and cooperation from their peers. For this reason, it is extremely important to develop healthy peer relationships in addition to parental guidance so that they can effectively cope with the problems they face.

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Psk. Deniz Tan KUMCUOĞLU

Psy. Deniz TAN KUMCUOGLU January 10, 2024

Divorce: A Psychological Perspective

One of the most common issues that parents want to receive counseling or therapy services for their children is the divorce process. Divorce, which is an undesirable situation in parental relations, can lead to different effects for each family structure. Depending on the attitudes and behaviors of the parents, it can be considered normal, on the contrary, it can turn into a traumatic situation.

“I am enduring this marriage for my child”

“My child cannot bear this sadness, I continue my marriage for his sake”

We often hear phrases like

First of all, it should be agreed on; It is not possible to protect the mental health of the child in a house where one or both parents are unhappy, exhausted, and frustrated. Especially children aged 0-6; By quietly observing communication problems at home and possible physical or psychological violence, they ground their male-female relationships according to this pattern.

Not every problem in the family will result in resentment, separation or divorce. However, the chronicity of communication problems and their becoming a vicious circle will inevitably lead to negative effects on children.

It may be necessary to analyze the possible damages that the child may receive from the divorce process and the damages brought about by the troubles in that house from an outside perspective. The problems that arise in the case of divorce may result in the child’s healthy adaptation to the new situation if the adaptation process is well managed by the parents. However, it is possible to encounter more intense and long-term pathologies especially in children who grow up with chronic problems at home. For this reason, in cases where the problems between the spouses cannot be overcome, it is recommended that the person first consult a specialist for himself. Individual therapy creates the opportunity for the person to get to know himself better, to determine his wishes and expectations, and to acquire different perspectives.

In the dialogues between the mother and father, citing divorce as a relational threat or constantly talking about a possible separation may cause the child to develop an anxious personality pattern in fear of losing it. When the parents agree on the divorce, they should explain the situation to the children when there is no uncertainty.

Divorce and post-divorce situations should be clearly informed. Care should be taken not to spoil the concept of family as much as possible. It should be noted that people have only given up on the role of husband and wife, but the role of mother-father will continue for life.

In this process, feelings such as disappointment or anger about one of the spouses should not be shared with the child as much as possible. Exposure of the child to negative statements about his/her mother or father may damage the sense of trust, and the child may blame himself/herself. Children should be encouraged to share their feelings. Depending on the age group, behaviors such as crying and stubbornness can be observed.

In case of divorce, children may have a tendency to repair the broken relationship of their parents. Being clear about these expectations helps the child’s acceptance process in the long run.

Like children, parents can also show behavioral changes in this process. They may unwittingly display more giving or more flexible behaviors towards the child. In order for children to normalize the divorce and post-divorce process, it is important to preserve their existing order as much as possible. Parental attitudes and boundaries acquired before separation should be continued in the same way. When possible life changes are transferred to the child beforehand, the probability of completing the grieving process in a healthy way increases.

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Psk. Deniz Tan Kumcuoglu

Psych. Gulseren BUDAYICIOGLU January 10, 2024

Deception And Abandonment

In my first years of working as a cheating and abandonment psychiatrist, that is, 25-30 years ago (in fact, I don’t like talking about such huge numbers when talking about past years, but unfortunately this is the truth) I only listened to women who were cheated on. These were women stabbed in the chest, that’s how they felt, crying for a long time in my room at the clinic. These women made me feel that the effect of deception on people is worse than death, starting from those times.

The thing that caught my attention most in such stories was that these women, who were cheated on by their husbands, thought that “everybody does it, but my wife never does”. This thought was not only theirs, their close circles also thought so. But one day, it was a complete shock when the bitter truth suddenly came to light, and besides, it was clear that these men had a long-lasting love affair, that their relationship was not new at all.

These women, who have not made any sacrifices for their husbands for years, are very fond of their homes and children, when they realize what kind of betrayal they have been subjected to, they are struck by their brains, they cannot come to their senses for a long time and naturally they cannot act rationally.

Some of the cheating men, on the other hand, apologize after apology when this incident was revealed, they tried every way to make themselves forgiven, but meanwhile, they could not give up on their wives and lovers. Some men, on the other hand, denied the incident despite all kinds of evidence and tried to convince their wives of their innocence. The most painful thing was those who could not stand the anger of their spouses and went for divorce immediately, perhaps using this as an excuse.

After all these years, both being cheated on and being dumped drive women crazy, make them do things they would never do, and in order to take revenge on their husbands, these women actually sacrificed their own lives for this cause once again.

In the following years, the scenario began to change. Now cheated husbands are starting to come to me. Now there is complete equality in this regard, that is, both women cheat and men both cheat. Okay but why? In fact, in recent years, especially in big cities, people are marrying the people they choose, and since most women have a job, they are not condemned to men.

But still, both in our country and especially in developed Western Countries, while people are getting divorced quickly, on the other hand, married people continue to cheat on each other. So we have to accept the fact that cheating has become a part of our lives all over the world.

Why Do Man Cheat?

Men are structurally freer beings. The responsibilities brought by marriage, work, power, children, families and the problems they bring arouse a sense of captivity, an unwanted dependency in their souls after a while, and some of them look for ways to get rid of this chain and to be free. Moreover, having a relationship with other women despite being married is not seen as something to be condemned, especially in Eastern Societies, and even the event is tried to be minimized by saying “the dirt on a man’s hand”.

Freedom is often hidden within social prohibitions. Maybe sex with another woman who doesn’t have their husband’s nails makes them feel free. While feeling guilty about such relationships, they either buy their spouses plenty of gifts to compensate for this dominant feeling, or treat them worse than usual, and even vomit anger. Because even if they know that they are wrong in committing this crime, they hold their spouses responsible and try to comfort themselves by using small incidents as an excuse. After a while, feelings become licking and cheating becomes a daily habit for such men. If they can’t find a way to cheat on their wives anymore, and they can’t get young women to bed, trouble begins.

It is not the same for all men. Some man’s nature is not suited to cheating on his partner. He considers cheating a vice in himself and does not cheat on his wife, no matter what happens. These men still exist, albeit very extinct.

Some men don’t do it just to relax or feel a little free. Falls in love. Its main purpose is not to betray the marital relationship that has been worn out over the years. If he’s strong enough, he’ll explain it himself, but an addicted man falls in love, denies it, and wastes himself and these two women at the same time. The result is a triple unhappiness.

Why Do Woman Cheat?

Women often behave very differently from men when it comes to cheating. The thought of putting a man to bed is generally not uncommon in married women. Their concern is to establish an emotional relationship. Women want to be loved, loved, admired and valued. Especially women who cannot find such satisfactions in their spouses, who cannot feel loved and cared for, and who suffer from emotional hunger, betray. In addition, they do not get carried away, do not change partners easily, and no matter what they go through, they always feel the pain of being the cheater in their hearts. In fact, this sense of guilt is sometimes so intense that they almost betray themselves, just like the murderer’s arrival at the crime scene, and thus they pursue punishment.

What Should the Deceived Person Do?

Although deception pierces one’s heart like a dagger, the event should always be approached calmly. What happened should not be shared with relatives, but with a psychologist who can approach the event impartially, and decisions on the subject should not be taken immediately. In the therapy sessions, intense emotional reactions to the event should be discharged first, then a detailed study should be made on the reasons for what happened, and the final decision should be made only after that, because the decisions taken with the pain of betrayal usually punish the person who has been betrayed even though they are aimed at punishing the other party.

In addition, people who have been betrayed should not consider such events as humiliation, dislike or rejection, they should try to increase their awareness here, as in everything else in life, and seek ways to improve and not be deceived again, even in this painful event.

Is It Possible Not To Be Deceived?

If the other party has a tendency to cheat due to different psychological problems, it is not possible not to be cheated on, but care should be taken in premarital friendships and even minor incidents should be taken seriously because if a person does something once, it is very likely that he will do it again.

However, there are some important points that people should pay attention to in this regard. First of all, whether it is friendship or marriage, people should always take care of their relations with the other party, take into account the feelings and needs of the other party as well as themselves, not give too much, try not to lose their respect for themselves and the other party, and hold their heads high no matter what. Great sacrifices made for the sake of the relationship are always very dangerous. Instead of always giving and always being right, I suggest you share life because if the right one had won, we would be living in a very different world today. There is no law of right or wrong in nature, there are winners and losers. Hope you can be the winner.