I love a lot! I Hate That So Much! “Ambivalence”
“I am not worthy of being loved anyway, no one I care about has valued me as much as I wanted/expected. I’ve never felt fully loved, exactly where I belong. Whenever I gave value in my relationship, the other party always abused it. I loved, I loved without giving up. When I love, I truly love it very much. This being the case, not being able to feel or see the love of the other party for the effort shown to me, or seeing it once and then showing a contradictory attitude drives me crazy. My ears turn red, my face burns so much that I hate it then. I want to feel his love in every period of my life. I’m writing, calling, can’t think of a day without her when she forgets to call me! Let’s end our little discussion then…’
A person experiencing ambivalence can experience such intense and at the same time contradictory emotions. Whenever a person makes being loved a goal, a goal and puts someone else in the center of his life before himself, then he will make great efforts for this goal and his expectation will be just as high. Because he left feeling the feeling of “I can be loved” to someone else’s choice.
When we need external approval to see that we are valuable, important, worthy of being loved, we spend effort until it is approved, and we are wasted in this cause. Whenever the person can say “I am worth being loved, I think and feel it myself before the other party makes me experience it or not” (it is not easy considering that the person has experienced rejection or being unloved, being cheated on in his past life), then the cycle he or she lives will change completely. In other words, if he can create an inner sense of value/competence, he will reflect this on his behavior, feel good and will not waste time in his relationships.
The factors that make it difficult for a person to do this are their past experiences. We study them in therapy. If he did not receive enough support from his family, was ostracized by his friends or could not form strong bonds, this need will be more intense and it will be more difficult for the person to do these things. Creating this inner calmness may seem difficult after the negative experiences and experiences I have mentioned. You may not have the strength, you may have little faith.
Observe your surroundings realistically. A healthy relationship is possible. We just need to change our way of thinking and therefore the way we perceive events and conditions. Because we cannot solve the problem with the perspective that created the problem. If the person’s thought is like this, he can provide it; “From now on, if my perspective will change, if I will feel more competent, valuable and able to put myself at the center of my life, isn’t it worth it?”
I wish you all a good day.
Uzman Bilgisi
Psy. Pelin KAYMAN
Clinical Psychologist
- Üniversite : School of Medicine, Tabriz Azad University
- Uzmanlık : Istanbul Esenyurt University, Institute of Social Sciences, Clinical Psychology (2020)
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