The sickly color of the city turned pale and reduced the will to live in people. In fact, outsiders say that the gloomy weather suits this city very well. For those who live here, it doesn’t really matter. They spend the day in the evening without complaining about each other’s same lives every day. My days are not different either, in your absence. I get out of bed at my best. “My eyes have lost the light.” so said an old friend. I carry a soul that is too tired to look in the mirror and my body feels heavier than it is now. I hate all the time that is late. I hate you. I curse the pain that I have been forced to live, and I get used to my absence like the pain of a rotten tooth turns into pleasure. You are everything I was deprived of as a child. You were everything. You were my everything. Now you’re just a vague memory of a lost love.
“Finished !”. With five letters, you passed like a cylinder over four years. You closed the door, didn’t even take the elevator, maybe you were afraid to change your mind while waiting for the elevator. What did I do to make you hate me enough to choose to take the stairs to the 7th floor?
The seasons have changed. In the rest of the night, I can’t count how many times, the sun was born in your absence. I am in the polyclinic; A woman who sacrificed her husband of 3 years to an honor killing in front of her children 2 months ago, washes her memories with tears, I am ashamed of my hatred for you, when I see that the woman in front of me still does not hate life. “My children,” she says, “I must live for them.” You didn’t leave me even a child, you just said a name, “Loya” on a night washed with wine. “If we have a daughter, let’s name her Loya”. You left the name of our unborn and never-to-be-born daughter. That woman is right not to hate; At least she left her child, the savage custom that took her husband away, what’s left for me? Just a name; Loya I don’t even know the meaning, at least if you said what it meant and just left, I hate you for leaving me a baby girl name that I don’t even know the meaning of and will never have.
Let’s Create Your Appointment Together
Let’s choose the right specialist for you together.
My phone is ringing, my mother is calling, the phone is no longer on silent, there is no more sex to be interrupted by sound at night. “How are you?” he says, to the question that he already knows the answer to in his voice, maybe there is hope of getting a different answer this time, “Same” I say, “I’m in a bad mood, I’m very tired today, I will go to bed in a little while”. “Have you had your dinner?” he says, “I ate.” I say, “I’m 32 years old and I’ve been able to eat for the past 26 years without needing to remind you.” I say to myself, I hang up with half-hearted greetings. I also hate my mother, if she wasn’t so obsessive, if she didn’t always try to control me; ”What did I eat? When did I eat? What did I wear? am i cold? Am I hungry?” Maybe I wouldn’t be so attached to you, or at least I wouldn’t see your face in my tears. I guess I hate all women. From you… From my mother…
I am in the polyclinic; A man rushes in and says, “Doctor, run, brother, it’s very bad, we were able to bring him to the emergency room by force.” he says hastily. I’m going to the emergency room. Someone in their early 30s shouts, “Let me go, I don’t want to live,” tied to a stretcher. “Me too,” I say to myself, “I don’t want to live, but I’ve come to give you the will to live”. With the effect of the benzodiazepine circulating in his veins, he now wants to die more calmly. I take the man to the interview room, who wants to die in his early 30s, he tells, “I loved him very much, my teacher, he went away, I didn’t realize he broke up with me, he cut my life with a knife; Before and after him, I can’t live without him, my teacher, how could this heart only know how to love him, how could he hate it? Will he now look at someone else, hold someone else’s hands the way he looks at me? I hate it for holding my hands”.
At that first moment, you think you can’t live, it’s as if your breath is gone, your lungs are deflated, your heart beats reluctantly, but it is lived, time fills your lungs with the breath he blows from his cruel lips, you can breathe again and serotonin is enough to make your heart beat eager, whether from chocolate or from an antidepressant…
I’m lying darling, my heart is in my hands waiting for you to find it just as you left it, it hasn’t beaten since you left. What season took you away? When did you accumulate at the corner of my eye and my hand went to these lines? “This will be an impossible love story.” I said and you were smiling with your head on my shoulder, snowflakes falling on my window glass. Now my window has changed and I’m looking at the snowflakes without you. Have the showers of my heart stopped? Did I ever tell you not to go? Or go… Was it your intention to justify yourself that I can’t even think of your face? I am doomed to an endless absence of you. I miss you a lot.
Dr. Mustafa TATLI
