Psy. Cansu SAHIN

Self-compassion is an attitude and determines one’s attitude towards one’s own feelings and thoughts. It consists of three basic components. These are self-kindness, common humanity, and awareness.

Self-kindness is related to what the person says to himself and how he acts after the events he has experienced. In other words, does the person criticize himself, take a punitive attitude or act with a supportive attitude? In this context, what is meant by self-kindness is to approach oneself with a loving and gentle attitude. Sometimes feelings and thoughts are so intense that it can be difficult to be kind to ourselves. At such times, it can be a reminder of self-kindness to stop and ask the question of what he would say to a friend of mine, how I would behave, and try to show the attitude here for ourselves. Another component, the common human condition, states that all experiences, feelings and thoughts are part of the common human experience. Being human involves growing up, inevitably making mistakes and facing life’s challenges. The way each person experiences pain is different, but the suffering is common, and this suffering is very natural. Remembering this and evaluating our lives from this perspective is part of self-compassion. Awareness, on the other hand, is the state of being aware of our feelings and thoughts, without trying to avoid or ignore them. It is also important for us to realize our feelings and thoughts and open up space, to recognize and shape our needs and expectations.

Self-compassion isn’t about being self-pitying, always being gentle, being selfish by thinking only about yourself, just standing still or being passive. Self-compassion can be in the form of just staying with those experiences and stopping, or it also includes active actions such as evaluating what we need and taking action in line with these needs and expectations, or ending relationships and situations that are not good for us.

With self-compassion practices, we can change the relationship we have with ourselves. In this way, our relationships with other people and the world can also change. Studies show that a self-compassionate attitude leads to greater happiness, life satisfaction, self-confidence and physical health. Therefore, self-compassion is an attitude that can be learned and practiced by everyone, increasing well-being.

By  Psk. Cansu Şahin

Source: Self

Compassionate Awareness Practice Guide, Dr. Christopher K. Germer, Dr. Kristin Neff

Movements of Confidence Come First, Feelings of Confidence Second!

Self-confidence is an important concept for communication and self-expression skills in one’s life. It includes the person’s evaluation of himself. Self-confidence has an impact on one’s attitudes and behaviors by influencing the way people relate. A person needs the skills to establish and maintain relationships with other people in his daily life, to express his needs and expectations in an appropriate environment, and to organize relations with his teacher/boss or peers. It is known that when one feels a lack of self-confidence, the person has difficulties and troubles in these matters.

Our feelings, thoughts and behaviors affect and are affected by each other. Feeling a lack of self-confidence negatively affects our thoughts about our own competence and our perception of ourselves. This perception of ourselves can be reflected in our behaviors in the form of avoiding showing ourselves in social situations and withdrawing. This way of thinking and behaving can lead to a vicious circle by feeding and triggering the feeling of lack of self-confidence. Therefore, feeling a lack of self-confidence can negatively affect a person’s self-perception and can manifest itself with problems in social relations and school/work life.

What Causes Lack of Self-Confidence?

Lack of self-confidence is a concept associated with a basic sense of trust. Confidence is a set of beliefs that include thoughts about oneself, other people, and the future. It includes trust in people, beliefs about the nature of humanity, evaluations of whether the world is a safe place, self-perception and competence. The damage to the basic sense of trust as a result of various experiences can negatively affect the self-confidence of the person and cause a lack of self-confidence by shaking his/her self-efficacy belief. The triggers of a lack of self-confidence are; overly high expectations, harsh personal judgments, preoccupation with fears (failure, inadequacy, worthlessness, etc.), lack of experience and skill.

How to Work with a Lack of Self-Confidence

As mentioned, the negative evaluations we make about our self-confidence interact with our behaviors and emotions, creating a cycle. The main thing that sustains this cycle is our behavior. It is possible for us to develop behaviors and skills that will enable us to get out of this cycle instead of behaviors that feed the feeling and thinking of lack of self-confidence.

If you want to be able to do something and provide a sense of self-confidence, first of all, you should determine what skill you need to improve on the subject you are missing and put it into practice, that is, you should rehearse this skill. Then, you can create new skills and behavior patterns by applying this skill effectively in daily life, evaluating the results of the practice, identifying and rearranging where it works or needs improvement. In other words, you must first develop skills, put these skills into action, and then expect to feel confident.

For example, someone who hesitates to speak in a classroom or meeting environment may not be able to express their own ideas due to a lack of self-confidence. If this person practices techniques such as visualization techniques by imagining himself speaking in public and rehearsing to improve his public speaking and self-expression skills, he will begin to develop this skill over time. Afterwards, he will be able to expand his behavioral repertoire by exhibiting this rehearsal in his daily life and by identifying the points he needs to evaluate and improve himself.

Source

Harris, R. (2020). Self-Esteem Gap. Diogenes Publishing, Istanbul.

Psk.Cansu Şahin