What is Sabotage in Romantic Relationships?
You’ve been seeing someone new for a while. Your communication is great, you have a great time, you are also very compatible sexually. You are starting to spend more and more time.
But at the same time, a disturbing voice inside of you is constantly telling you, “It will go wrong soon and everything will go wrong”, you focus on the negative sides of the relationship and you start to move away from your partner. Perhaps you are reducing your conversations with your partner, avoiding sharing feelings or talking about taking the relationship to the next level. As a result, your partner gets upset, angry, disappointed, and the happiness, excitement and joy at the beginning of the relationship disappears in an instant. That’s how your relationships usually end and it doesn’t last very long.
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? If so, you may be sabotaging your relationship. To sabotage romantic relationships means to harm or end your relationship with your conscious or unconscious behavior. So, how and why do you sabotage your relationships?
How Do You Know If You’ve Sabotaged Romantic Relationships?
There are many signs that you may be prone to sabotaging romantic relationships. Some of those;
Constantly or temporarily putting emotional or physical distance between you and your partner, not sharing your feelings, seeming insensitive and unapproachable, reducing conversations, making you feel that it is unimportant to make efforts for the relationship.
Acting defensively. Interpreting any criticism from your partner as blame
Lying about your feelings and thoughts or the state of the relationship. When your partner wants to talk about these issues, using sentences such as “There is no problem”, “Everything is fine”.
In order to feel strong in the relationship, to protect yourself, to blame and criticize your partner in everything, to look for the “perfect” partner even though you know it is not possible.
Moving away when your partner has an emotional need, showing closeness when you notice your partner is moving away
Staying away from behaviors that show commitment (like living with your partner, meeting their parents)
Changing partners frequently, breaking up with your partner for minor disagreements, and repeating this cycle
Having sexual or emotional relationships with other people other than your partner, even though you do not have an agreement regarding polygamy
Feeling excessive insecurity and jealousy towards your partner and therefore arguing frequently
Choosing partners who do not have similar relationship expectations as you
Since all these behaviors prevent you from establishing a sincere intimacy, they can make it easier for you to end this relationship whenever you want, it can drive your partner away from you and cause them to leave you. Well, why do we spend so much effort to end a union that can be good for us and make us happy?
Why Do We Sabotage Romantic Relationships?
Every person has different reasons for sabotaging their romantic relationships. We know that many variables such as childhood and adolescence, relationships with parents, past relationship experiences affect our behavior in relationships. So much so that our behavior can change in relationships with different people at different times. But if we look at the main reasons for sabotaging romantic relationships, the most important one is trying to protect oneself in non-functional ways for fear of being hurt emotionally. This has its origins in the insecure attachment patterns established with caregivers in childhood.
Insecure Attachment/ Anxious and Avoidant Attachment
We know that the way our caregivers treated us as children influences our perception of ourselves and others and shapes our future relationships. If the caregiver sometimes treats the baby warm and interested, sometimes cold and distant, or if he is completely indifferent and does not respond to his needs, this may cause insecure attachment in the child.
To summarize briefly, there are two types of insecure attachment patterns. Anxiously attached people feel that they are unloved and worthless because of their past relational patterns experienced with their caregivers, and they believe that they do not receive enough value from their partners in a romantic relationship, and they may find their partners’ attention and love insufficient. This results in them being more controlling in the relationship, often seeking confirmation that they are loved, demanding and jealous, as well as causing them to experience fear of rejection and abandonment. In short, they seek intimacy, but they live with the fear that they may lose this intimacy at any moment. Exactly because of these behaviors, it is not possible for them to establish intimacy in their relationships and they can sabotage the relationships in which they can find the love and attention they are looking for.
Uzman Bilgisi
Psy. Cagla APAYDIN
Clinical Psychologist
- Üniversite : Istanbul Bilgi University, Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Department of Psychology (Full Scholarship - Honor Student)
- Uzmanlık : Arel University, Institute of Social Sciences, Department of Clinical Psychology, Clinical Psychology Specialization, Mediating Role of Emotion Regulation Strategies in the Relationship Between Attachment and Self-Disclosure and Difficult Patient Descriptions in Psychotherapists
Yazıları
What is Sabotage in Romantic Relationships?
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