Prof. Dr. Ayse YALIN

I have been dealing with issues involving child abuse, neglect and abuse since 1986. I think that marrying a child at the age of 13-14 to a person who is much older than him, who is the age of his father, uncle or even his grandfather, would constitute both neglect and abuse of the child, even with the permission of these families.

Of course, this is not just my opinion. While reviewing the newspapers the other day, I came across an article in which Attorney Türkay Asma (Term President of Child Neglect and Abuse Prevention and Research Association) was involved. We have worked with him for many years and I value his opinions very much.

The article begins as follows: “For the first time, a child bride has been mentioned with the accusation of attempted sexual abuse in a court case… Asma emphasized that this development was very important in terms of children’s rights, although it was still a ‘possibility’. According to this news published in Habertürk, when a 15-year-old girl in Southeastern Anatolia filed a complaint against her family’s request for forced marriage, the prosecutor filed a lawsuit against the parents for “attempted sexual abuse and forced deprivation of liberty”.

According to Asma, this is considered a full attempt at sexual abuse, which I agree with.

Fatma Şahin, Minister of Family and Social Policies, in her speech on the marriage and giving birth of young children, which had a great impact on the public in recent days; “We never approve of having a child when they are still children. “We will fight to prevent family tragedies,” he said.

In the sub-paragraphs of this article, there were words of the Minister that I really cared about. “Mothers must ensure the education of their daughters… Marriage is an important event. We care about the family… But it has to be in the right place and with the right person on time…”

I would like to touch on the neglect and abuse dimension of the issue a little more. I want to touch because I want to touch abuse, especially to see how a child who has been sexually abused at a young age feels, how his life is taken away from them.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of an abused little child?

If you look at it one day (I hope you will never encounter such a situation), you will not see only timidity, fear, anxiety, anger, helplessness, hopelessness in those eyes. You see it in a lost youth and adulthood. You see a wasted, destroyed life, an unsuspected individual.

“CHILD BRIDES ARE LITTLE CHILDREN WITH SEXUAL ABUSE, YOU READ THESE FEELINGS IN THEIR EYES…”

The issue of child brides is one of the most important social problems and is now on the agenda of the country more than before. However, this is not just a problem specific to our country. It is possible to meet child brides all over the world…

‘Flying Broom’ has been dealing with different projects on this subject for years. He tries to bring sensitivity to the subject… He is very successful…

There are also some individual movements in this regard… For example, Emine Brother, who is a child bride, says, “Don’t let other girls experience what I went through” with the association she founded, and she mobilizes all her material and moral assets to this issue.

Why do early marriages last for generations?

Economic difficulties… On the one hand, the mentality that sees girls as an economic burden, on the other hand, bride price as a solution door…

The sale of a 12-year-old child, who has been on the agenda recently, for 5 thousand liras is a very good example of this issue.

In addition to these, role models, neighborhood pressure, cradle bumps, berdel, domestic sexual abuses, early pregnancy, fear of honor, seeing early marriages as a traditional value, and social pressure on girls can be considered among the reasons for early marriages.

Early marriages take away many of the vital rights of girls… Their education remains unfinished… Their biological, spiritual and social development cannot be completed in their normal course… Having many children at an early age reduces both the physical and spiritual quality of their lives.

These problems are not only theirs but also the society’s, and the cost is very heavy.

Can you imagine that mothers of children who have not grown up, whose education has been left unfinished, and who are dealing with their own half-heartedness in a corner, can raise new generations who look to the future with confidence and hope?

Somewhere, we have many children whose lives have been taken away, living in their own dark worlds that we have not heard of…

This painful scene that has continued for generations… Let us find solutions in our own little worlds and act on behalf of our children whose lives will be lost without wasting time…

“This young, beautiful and excited woman has been unable to talk to strangers for some reason lately and has been afraid that she will start to stutter. I don’t know where this fear came from. This world fear and excitement gradually formed an important part of the personalities in our family, although it manifested itself in other forms to me and to all my siblings. In the first days when I had to enter the studio, I was inherited from my mother, who always had a beautiful smile and was too fussy, to suddenly lose my voice, to be paralyzed in my sleep at night, and to have great fears that made me want to escape when I went on stage.” (Livaneli)

Fear is transmitted, transmitted… Shakespeare, on the other hand, conveys his thoughts on fear as follows: Most people are afraid of loving because they are afraid of losing. Afraid to think, because it will bring responsibility… Afraid to speak, afraid to be criticized… Afraid of getting old, not knowing the value of youth… Afraid of being forgotten, not giving anything good to the world… and afraid of dying, not knowing how to actually live…

We are all afraid of everything we do not know. We are afraid because our fears protect us from this unfamiliar situation. Fears, in other words, are defense tools ready to protect us.

If you start talking about my fears, what kind of fears come to your mind? My first fear is the fear of thieves. I don’t remember what age I was, but I must have been over 5 years old as far as I can remember. The bedroom we used with my brother Compassion was the room right next to the guest entrance door, and opposite the door of our room were hangers for the coats or jackets of the guests (they are still in the hall of Haznedar Kindergarten). My father used to hang his coat and hat there when he came home. When I woke up in the middle of the night, a man was looking at me right where the hangers were. I’m screaming, I don’t make a sound, I want to move and wake the Compassion, I can’t move, I remember being covered in sweat. I don’t remember how I called my father, he came running to me. I told him that someone was walking around the hall, he took my hand and turned on the lights. There was no one, and then we realized that I had made my father’s coat and hat look like a man in my sleepy state.

Childhood fears are a natural part of child development and a functional mechanism that provides protection from external dangers… For many parents, the fears seen in children may not mean anything. But for children, the fear of ghosts, the fear of the dark, the fear of loud noises, the fear of thieves are real and frightening to him. A child who does not show any signs of fear until about the age of two may begin to fear the neighbor’s dog or barking, going into the bathroom, or loud noises on his second birthday.

Fears are like the footsteps of the future of a danger, the child understands this and reveals fear behaviors in the name of self-protection. Science says that the mind comes into play from the moment we start to fear… Fears are experienced most intensely by children between the ages of 2-6. The world is new to them and ready to be explored. During this exploration, the stranger frequently encounters unfamiliar and unfamiliar stimuli, in such cases fear behavior emerges for protection. As children grow and develop, their knowledge of what is going on in the world expands, their cognitive abilities and emotional development progress, they can more easily cope with their fears. According to the developmental periods, certain fears occur at certain ages and disappear in the natural development process. Studies show that 90% of children are afraid of something at some point in their development.

How can we handle our children’s fears?

• We should definitely investigate the cause of the child’s fears and try to eliminate the reasons.
• Based on the fact that everyone has fears, the child who says he or she is afraid should never be mocked or belittled (Is a man afraid? You’ve grown up but you are still afraid, there is nothing to be afraid of) and we should not ignore their fears.
• Being patient and understanding and giving time is the most valid approach.
• Physical contact comforts them when they are afraid. Touch, hug and help her deal with her fear.
• When the child expresses fear, listen and try to understand. Seeing that he is not judged or criticized because of his fears, the child will feel understood and relieved.

While fears are natural and developmental, it is emphasized by many scientists that we cannot be liberated and experience our true emotions without getting rid of them. Known childhood fears come under control over time, change, and some may change shape and continue to exist in adulthood.

What is known is that:

When fear ends or we begin to control fear, we begin to see the color of hope and life. While browsing the internet for articles about fear, I came across the following story. I wanted to share with you.

“A wise man was sitting on the edge of the lake he always went to in the evening, watching the still water of the lake and evaluating his day. In the meantime, a dog came running to the lakeside and bent down to drink water, and while drinking it, he was afraid of the reflection in the water, and he stepped back from the lake and watched the water from afar for a while. Bilge realized that the dog perceived the reflection he saw in the lake as a creature that would harm himself and was waiting for him to leave. The dog came to the lake’s edge a few more times, tried to drink, and after retreating, with one last courage, jumped over the place where he saw the creature, entered the lake and drank its water. Then he disappeared from the lake with the joy of success.

The wise man began to think about what he saw and came to the following conclusions:

• It is our fears that prevent us from achieving what we most need.
• By recognizing fears, knowing their functions and confronting them, we can overcome the obstacles between us and life and move on. We can get the nourishment we need from life.”

Resources:

Koknel O. (1990): Fears, Obsessions, Obsessions. Altın Kitaplar Publishing House, Istanbul

Köroğlu, E. (2006): Our Anxiety, Our Fears. Physicians Publishing Union, Ankara

The morning sun radiates light and sweet warmth with its rise. This light and warmth makes us watch the emergence of a magnificent work by fusing all the beauty of nature with each other. Nature moves in harmony with all its colors, no color excludes the other. They are all there to make each other look better. They work with all their might to create this magnificent painting.

By taking care of each other… They start the day in harmony.

This observation, this natural event gives me the feeling of belonging and ownership that I see as an indispensable part of life.

Belonging to a country, a city, a family, a school, or an association… A metaphor I use to start looking for an answer to the question of what is the sense of belonging, what is ownership…

It’s a metaphor I use to see what it’s like for individuals to feel like one of them, just as all the colors of nature are fused.

I think that there is a lot of sense of belonging in myself, and even this feeling, I realize now, is too much since my childhood.

When I go to boarding school, the fact that the stone and soil of my small town, which I come to every moment, that surrounds me with everything, catches my eye every moment, must be a sign of the strength of this feeling.

My friends always called me “Ünyeli” or “Treasurer”. In fact, one day, while I was wandering around Sakarya street in Ankara, there were fishermen on that street at that time, and someone behind me was calling “Ünyeli, Ünyeli”. I turned around wondering how they knew me, and no one was looking at me. When I looked around more carefully, I saw a case of anchovy on the fisherman’s counter with the words “Ünyeli” written on it.

It’s such a sense of belonging, feeling that you belong to that city, that family. Don’t be you… Identity…

You know, some people say that when I retire (just because of the weather, water or environmental conditions), I will settle in such and such a town.

I always question this decision myself. If these people do not have a city, a family, a group of friends they belong to, they can afford to leave them, go and settle in places they have no ties to, and live as a foreigner, a later person or persons throughout their lives.

I think about what they can give to a place where they do not develop a sense of belonging, apart from what they do for their individual lives.

This behavior, this way of thinking, can be one of the best examples of being able to act independently, perhaps freely. It can be a sign of being able to endure all the pros and cons of life alone.

This can sometimes be considered as a strength. I have nothing to say to such a thought. With these strengths, maybe they can be easily possessed, who knows…

Others work abroad for years, efforts consume years, and one day they return to the city they longed for, and they return to their hometown, will they embrace it as expected? Will they be able to see again that he belongs here, will they support him?

Whether you call it a sense of belonging, a sense of belonging, or a sense of ownership, whatever you may call it, it is a definition of identity and owning it is necessary for life.

If you are not taken care of, if they do not see what you want to do, what you want to give (even if your personal interests are not in question), then you start to think about the identity you have established so far and you will be hurt.

When people are alone, they can often feel powerless, hopeless and helpless in starting and finishing good works.

The main thing is a sense of identity, a continuing sense of belonging, ties, friendships and being able to work together. This unity is necessary for the change, renewal and development of a society, it is a sign of power. Success together gives people great pleasure, pleasure and satisfaction.

Starting from the moment they are born, children grow up feeling that they are born in a safe environment in the face of the consistent, orderly and continuity of the environment they live in, and that they belong here.

This feeling told him, “I too am reliable and valuable so that the things I need for my life are lovingly given to me, so I can hope that I can grow up healthy.” says.

It paves the way for the development of hope and the desire for growth and the feeling that it can enrich the world with its existence. Possession or being owned is a prerequisite for experiencing a sense of belonging. Adoption is also a prerequisite for clinging to life.

Being able to say “I belong to this country, this city, this family” creates a feeling of belonging, this country, this city, this family will take care of me and I have the power and ability to stand behind everything I want to do. Thus, you can safely walk through life and be productive and creative.

The qualified coexistence of life is seeing the richness of differences, creating satisfying sharing together, in other words, being able to live by seeing the unique beauties of life.

Such is the sense of belonging, of belonging, of being possessed. If it is fed, it will sprout; if it is not fed, it will wither.

If we want to add strength to our strength, if we want to grow and develop together, let’s enable the development of a sense of belonging, ownership and ownership, so that those living around us can reach their goals and we can create quality associations.