Effective Ways to Solve Problems in Marriage – How Should Healthy Arguments Be?

Marriage is the union of two individuals with distinct personality traits, cultural backgrounds, perspectives, values, and beliefs, creating a structure where they rediscover themselves. During this process, adaptation and harmony become fundamental qualities. Considering that each person tries to adapt to their unique characteristics, conflicts between spouses are a natural outcome. In this complex structure, encountering problems is inevitable. However, the crucial point to note is our ability to solve problems within this structure.

As a fundamental reality of life, communication between spouses is the most crucial factor in problem-solving skills. That’s why communication has been the most discussed topic in family therapies. In an unhealthy relationship, communication and interaction are inadequate, deficient, or flawed. When communication is coupled with effective problem-solving skills, the marriage is positively influenced. Understanding each other mutually brings happiness, satisfaction, harmony, and shared development to the relationship. Experiencing differences of opinion with our partner and engaging in discussions does not always indicate a problem. In fact, these discussions or problems can contribute to the development of the relationship when approached through correct communication channels.

In couple therapies, we focus on how to cope with different problems and conflicts rather than eliminating the problem. In other words, rather than expecting arguments to end or problems to disappear, addressing any communication problems that may arise and finding solutions to them, as well as focusing on ending disagreements in a constructive way, becomes more important.

How Should Healthy Communication in Relationships Be?

In our relationships, problems and disagreements may arise. Ignoring them can lead to more significant problems later on. Solution can only occur when a problem is acknowledged and shared between partners. Seeing the problems in the relationship clearly and accepting their existence will help to define the problem and generate alternatives for a solution. Without forgetting that everyone has good or bad, black or white sides, we should focus on solving our problems without blaming each other.

It’s important to remember in a relationship that we are on the same team, on the same side. According to many studies, spouses often see themselves as “competitors” in problem-solving skills. If we ignore the fact that the gain and loss of one side are common, we fall into the trap of the right-wrong case instead of focusing on the existing problem. Focusing on our existing problem makes things easier, and both sides benefit. The goal is not to win an argument but to find a solution.

During an argument, couples often think more about what the other person will say rather than what the other person said. This mindset increases tension during the argument. By trying to respond without making an effort to understand or hear what your partner is saying, you may violate their expression space. In such a situation, you may misunderstand or misinterpret what your partner said, creating a new topic for discussion. However, in healthy communication or argument, it is essential to wait for your partner to finish speaking and try to understand their feelings and thoughts. This will show that you respect them, want to compromise, and, more importantly, that you listen to them, understand them, and find it valuable for yourself.

The desire to be right in couples usually leads to arguments that begin with any subject and continue with references to similar complaints or conflicts in the past or present. Instead of focusing on resolving a problem, this makes solving the argument more difficult. Rather than trying to resolve one problem, if we want to solve a problem, we should focus on one thing and concentrate on solving that particular problem. Everything should proceed step by step, one by one.

The cliché but equally forgotten golden rule is to use “I” language instead of “You” language. Instead of blaming or criticizing our partner with “you” language, saying how an event made us feel using “I” language allows them to better understand us and prevents possible conflicts or defenses before they happen. Speaking in “I” language helps to communicate our feelings without putting blame or judgment. For example, a judgmental sentence like “You always leave the dishes in the middle after every meal” turns into a non-blaming or judgmental one with “I” language: “It makes me very uneasy when you leave the dishes in the middle after a meal.” This statement solely belongs to our feelings, without accusations or judgments. It prevents possible arguments or defenses.

The primary rule of a healthy argument is to criticize behavior rather than personality. People’s characters do not change, as they are a whole with a certain culture, nature of upbringing, family that raised them, and a specific past. Behavior patterns, on the other hand, are changeable. That’s why emphasizing the negative aspects of our characters is useless; it only leads to hurt feelings and anger.

Nida DAL İDİKUT

Clinical Psychologist

University: Bilkent University, Faculty of Economics and Administrative Sciences, Department of Psychology

Specialization: Bournemouth University, Institute of Human Sciences (with Honors)